Tag: relationships

Nov 06 2016

Divorce (Finally)

Friday afternoon we finally reached a settlement agreement. The paperwork still needs to be drawn up and signed, but I’ll finally be able to put this whole chapter behind me sooner than later.

In the end, she’s getting off easier than she probably would have if the case had gone to trial. But the cost of going through with the deposition and trial that her side was pushing for would have canceled out much of the gain. The sad thing is, in the end we ended up only $700 below what I told her the low end would be when she left. So because she was unwilling to communicate at all (except through third parties…first her mom…then the attorneys), and even then unwilling to talk about any sort of settlement until the last week before the scheduled deposition, we both will have ended up spending at least a couple thousand extra dollars and probably 3 or 4 months on something we could have settled on our own.

As painful as this whole process has been, in the end it’ll end up being for the better. From her own words, she apparently had doubts even before we actually got married. The problem was she never said anything to me or anyone else about them. The marriage that I thought was built on strong rock because of the words she was telling me, was actually built on sand. The first storm that hit it damaged it beyond repair (even if it took a year for it to completely fall apart afterwards).

In the last six months I’ve done a lot of self-introspection. I’ve taken this time to really think about what is important to me in relationships. Where I’ve fallen short in the past (not just in the marriage, but prior relationships as well). The places where I gave up more than I should have. I will not distance myself from my family just because my partner feels awkward about being there. That communication is so important. If someone is unwilling to talk about the hard stuff…well then they probably aren’t really mature enough to be making the hard decisions (like getting married). I know I wasn’t perfect in the marriage. I know I acted in ways that contributed to the environment that led to our marriage falling apart. I tried to improve on those things when we went to couples counseling. But I fear, by the time we went to couples counseling it was already too late. Part of her had already made up her mind…she just needed the excuse to run from having difficult conversations herself. Nothing I could have done or said would have changed anything…at most it would have just adjusted the timing. I acknowledge and accept the role my actions played in our marriage ending. I’m not deflecting my personal responsibility on my mom, or her, or any others like she has. In the end, I know that I was faithful to my marriage vows until the end.

Despite how difficult this year has been, I really am in a better place than I was at the end of last year. I have a group of friends that have been a great support over the course of the year. The people I hang out with are a much healthier group of people than some of the people I had surrounded myself at the end of last year. I’ve got great housemates that have a positive outlook on things. Have I mentioned how great my friends have been the last six months? Because they have been…they helped me through my darkest times. They’ve been such a source of strength throughout everything and I’ll be eternally grateful.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/divorce-finally/

Sep 19 2016

its been awhile…

…since I’ve posted anything about what is going on with the divorce. Largely, that is because nothing much had happened on that front. Both A and her attorney seem to have been in no hurry to move the process along. They have both taken their time to respond to my attorney and turn over required information. However, finally things are starting to move forward again. Our initial settlement proposal was sent to her attorney on Friday afternoon. So at least the negotiations can now begin. There is also some sort of hearing date set finally (the end of Oct)…so hopefully we can get things settled before then and avoid needlessly going to court.

As for me personally, things are going ok. I’m embracing the beginning of my 40s and the opportunity for new beginnings and discoveries. I still have the occasional thought while doing things of “A. would love this right now,” which is still a little weird feeling. Divorce is still the most disorienting thing that has happened in my life.  I still wish she would have talked to me more about what she was thinking over the last year or so of our marriage. I wish she could have seen how hard I wanted her to be happy. Our relationship still may not have survived, but at least it could have been more amicable than duelling lawyers.

The biggest thing for me going forward is learning how to trust again. Not only other people, but myself and my instincts. I struggle with doubt about pretty much everything A told me over the last year or so of our marriage. Was she being honest with me (or to herself and then me)? Often much of it feels like a lie (even though logically I know it probably wasn’t at least completely). Like I’ve said before, I knew everything wasn’t perfect…but I didn’t know things were as far gone as they were.

As I begin to date again it’s probably going to take a special woman to get me in another serious relationship. Someone who has some patience as I figure out how to open myself up to them. It’s probably going to be someone who takes some initiative in the beginning. Someone willing to put themselves out there and say…hey I think you are cool and I’d like to get to know you better. I was thinking about this recently and my serious relationships have generally been like this (even A took the initiative for our relationship to be more than just friends). I’m not really sure how to do the dating thing these days. The online apps are weird and awkward to me. I spend a lot of time with folks in the Timbers Army, but so many people have a “no dating in the TA” policy (which I both understand and think is a little ridiculous). I’m in no rush to be in another relationship, but I do look forward to feeling some chemistry with someone again.

So that’s where things are at with the divorce. I’m mainly waiting for things to be negotiated by lawyers to a point where we can both sign off and be done. Where that final piece of closure can happen and our lives will move on in separate directions. I’m still grateful for the time we had together and how both the good and bad of our relationship has helped me grow to be a better man.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/its-been-awhile/

Jun 02 2016

Data visualization nerdery

I follow a blog that looks at the way folks visualize data. Its called Flowing Data.

In a post today they link to a post by Robin Weis where she has tracked every time she cried over the span of 589 days (Feb 20, 2014 to Oct 1, 2015). The full post is here: Crying. One of the more interesting visualizations (which is also interactive on the full post) is partly shown here:
Crying

Breakups and relationships were the root of 63% of the total cries. The data spanned the majority of a year-long, long-distance relationship, the entirety of a breakup, a little bit of dating, and the very beginning of another relationship. The breakup was a terrible mess during which I found out that my ex was actually married, and the lies and trauma caused 40% of my total crying.

She also has a great post visualizing 8 years of dating (with little notes on each relationship/first date): 8 Years of Dating Data

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/data-visualization-nerdery/

Jun 04 2011

has it already been almost half a year?

Outside of a few posts about bread (and even those have dropped off) and the normal list of books for the year, I haven’t been writing much here this year.  Well to be honest, I haven’t been writing much anywhere this year.  I’ve been full of a lot of ideas but not a whole lot of action…or at least not sustained action.

So what’s been going on this year?  Well, Alicia and I are dating again and as of May we’re living together, so that’s one big change.  Alicia’s best friend (and her boyfriend) came down over Easter weekend to visit (and see this show).  We went up to visit my sister in Berkeley (and I finally got to meet her boyfriend after two years of Christmas travel headaches) at the end of April.  I’ve been continuing progress towards building my moving fund (current progress is in the sidebar).  I’m still pretty much on track for my book goal for the year (greater than or equal to last years 80 books).

There has been some surprises though as well.  The biggest so far came on the morning of May 9th.  I went to work like any other day even though I was feeling a little off.  I continued to feel a little off and even told Alicia that my right arm was feeling a little twitchy.  The next thing I remember, I woke up in the hospital to see my sister’s boyfriend (who lives in Berkeley, but happened to be on So. Cal. that day).  I had a seizure and had been taken to the hospital via ambulance.  I was kept overnight for observation and released the next day with a prescription and instructions for follow up appointments with my regular doctor.  So far, the medications are working without any noticeable side effects and my tests are coming back normal.  So it seems to be one of those fluke things that just happened.  Something the doctors won’t be able to fully explain.

Before releasing me, the doctor’s at the hospital advised me that I shouldn’t drive and that they were required to notify the DMV.  The letter of re-examination from the DMV came a few days later.  For that, I would need to have a form filled out by my doctor by June 4th or my license would be suspended on June 5th.  This being LA, most people I tell this story to think this is the worst part.  But for me, its just a minor inconvenience.  I was already commuting to work via the subway and vanpool.  My work provided bus pass allows me to get around other places, and I can always let Alicia drive my car for the trips public transit doesn’t work as well for.  The specialist I saw told me as long as there are no more seizures in the next three months, he’ll fill out and sign the form.  A much nicer time frame than the six months to a year the hospital doctors told me.

I think that brings things pretty up to date.  The summer is starting to fill up though…going to see the Timbers play ChivasUSA at the Home Depot Center tonight.  Next weekend, we’re going to spend a night at a bed and breakfast in the San Jacinto Mountains.  The weekend after, we’re going to Portland (where I’ll be going to watch the Timbers vs. NY Red Bulls match with Elizabeth and Austin as part of the Timbers Army!).  In July, we’re going to Temecula to see the Avett Brothers perform.  The “big” trip this summer is in early September though.  We’re going to Brooklyn for my buddy Mike’s wedding!

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2011/has-it-already-been-almost-half-a-year/

Dec 08 2010

dark night soul

 

I feel somewhat cruddy at the moment.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, right before Thanksgiving, the relationship I was in ended.  It came as somewhat of a surprise.  That there were some issues wasn’t, but that it was time to walk away from the relationship was a surprise.  While the relationship was still fairly young time wise, it was pretty intense emotionally.  But still there was a distance between us, that we weren’t able to overcome.  Being that J lives in Portland and I’m still in LA, there is the obvious physical distance.  Not so obvious, was little rifts that opened up as we navigated our feelings and the intensity of the relationship.

Continue reading

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2010/dark-night-soul/

Nov 26 2010

Up in the Air

It’s been a crazy few months.  I saw the end of a long relationship.  The beginning of something new that was intense and amazing.  But also incredibly difficult for various reasons…including just under 1000 miles between the two of us.  I began making plans for my Escape from LA, but the desire to see more and more of Jeanne, was making my savings goals difficult.  I know I overdid things financially in October…and even then spent more than I would have liked in Nov.  I knew I needed to refocus and come up with a better plan in order to keep on schedule to move to Portland (See post linked above).

Reading between the lines, I’m sure you can guess that something has happened with that relationship though.  Its all still a little too fresh to write well about.  But instead of talking about marriage we’re now talking about how/if we can still be friends.

So here I am, unexpectedly at my parents house for Thanksgiving.  I feel out of sorts.  I don’t know where my life is going, as the path I was on a week ago seems like its ending.  I do know I’ve got a lot of doubt about things though.  I feel a little disconnected.  Can I still plan on moving to Portland, when its not to continue the process of building a life with her?  What does it mean for me in LA?  Certain things were much easier with the promise of her. 

I decided I’m going to seek out some therapy when I get home from this trip.  I think having someone non-partial to talk to about the stuff swirling around in my head well be good.  I don’t want things to spiral deeper into depression and let that cause issues with other parts of my life.  Its already affected my eating habits (I haven’t had much of an appetite for awhile…and its only been worse this past week).

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2010/up-in-the-air/

May 27 2007

forgotten

I’ve been struggling with my self esteem lately.  It’s not just the normal I’ve been beaten up emotionally by the girls I’ve been interested in lately (which is still true).  Lately I’ve felt like just an after thought in many of my relationships.  From my parents not letting me know they were coming to town (or taking even a little time to stop by and see me) to another friend forgetting to let me know they were leaving (when they knew and had said I could go along with them).

As a result I’ve been spending a lot of time just sulking around my room.  I’m sleeping a lot, not because I’m tired, but because I don’t have anything better to do. I have very little appetite lately, I eat, because I know I need to, but it rarely excites me.  I’ve often “forgotten” to eat in the evenings, because nothing sounds good to me.

I’m not really sure how to escape this funk at the moment either.  I’m confident that I will eventually, I’m just not sure what to do to help that process.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/forgotten/

May 10 2007

Running to Stand Still

On Tuesday, I found out that I did not get the internship in LA.  While I’m quite relieved to at least know, I’m still a little bummed that I didn’t get it.  LA isn’t my first choice of a place to live by far, however I think the year there would have been very good for me.  What it has done is put me back into a brainstorming mode of what my next move is.  Right now I’m blessed with a great job and boss so I’ve at least got that going for me.  But it also doesn’t get me any closer to where I want to be.  So I’ve got myself some time set up to talk to a friend and do some brainstorming on Monday morning.  Hopefully, we’ll be able to come up with some good ideas from there.

What I see myself doing this week though is pulling inward.  I’ve got no appetite for food, though I’m eating better this week than I did over the weekend.  I’m going home tonight for Mother’s Day weekend, but that is also part of what is on my mind.  A couple weeks ago, my parents were in town, and didn’t tell me they were coming up, and when I talked to them after finding out…didn’t make any time to see me.

I feel alone.  If it wasn’t for one of my best friends, I might not have seen anyone outside of work this week.  I barely even see my roommates…one of whom is a lame duck roommate as he’s moving out at the end of the month. So I also need to be searching for a new roommate, but I have no motivation for that either.

Tonight, 80’s Night at John Henry’s in Eugene.  That will be fun.  It’ll be good to see my Eugene friends and forget about everything else going on for a few hours.

Saturday, I get an eye exam.  I don’t think my perscription will have changed, but its been long enough I need an exam to get new glasses.  I’m going to get my Dolce & Gabanna frames relensed (I lost one of them) and I’m looking for new frames that are flamboyant and competely different from the three frames I already have.

Sunday is Mother’s Day.  I haven’t decided what I’m going to do for her (other than give her the last installment of money that I owe her).   

I’m also looking forward to watching the Planet Earth DVD’s on my dad’s HDTV. 

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/running-to-stand-still/