Tag: j

PDX Revisited

Last weekend was my first trip back to Portland since the craziness of last November.  It was a quick weekend trip, mainly to go to the Portland Timbers vs. NY Red Bulls match Sunday evening (with my friends Elizabeth and Austin).  There was however the potential for sad memories, so I was a little anxious heading up to the trip.  I didn’t really expect to run into her per say, just memories of her.

Its weird to think back to six months ago now though.  Up until my post earlier this month, I hadn’t heard anything from her since she started cutting off all contact with me (and I asked her to just go ahead and stop talking to me at all).  After that post, she sent me a short email basically saying she was glad I was doing well, and wishing me well from my medical event.  I responded with an equally short email thanking her and wishing her well as well.  I have a lot of mixed feelings about that exchange though.  On one hand, I’m glad she still thinks about me and takes the time to read this blog.  On the other, I’m a little sad that its only a one way thing.  While our brief relationship burned quickly together (and then quickly out), there was a connection (at least for me) that went beyond just physical attraction.  Something that resided deeper inside.  Even if I never end up seeing her or speaking to her again, I don’t expect that to go away.

That’s not to say I won’t find anything like that again.  Well “like that” isn’t the right thing to say.  I wouldn’t want the same thing to happen (I also don’t believe you can “find that”).  Plus I think each love is by nature different.  I am quite happy with where Alicia and I are.  We have our own deep connection that draws us to each other.  It’s different, but not in a better or worse way…just different.  Alicia does make me happy (at least most of the time) and that is what’s important.

The trip was good though.  Alicia came along with me, and had a good time (despite accidentally leaving her regular glasses in the car at the airport..leaving her with just her sunglasses…not much help on a rainy Saturday in Portland…or at night).  We hung out with my old housemate George after arriving Friday night.  On Saturday, we hung out with her best friend, who drove up from Corvallis, and later had dinner with my parents.  Sunday had brunch (on the breakfast side of timing) with each other, then pretty much had our own things going on the rest of the day.  Alicia met up with a couple more friends and I spent the afternoon and evening watching soccer with my friends.

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dark night soul

 

I feel somewhat cruddy at the moment.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, right before Thanksgiving, the relationship I was in ended.  It came as somewhat of a surprise.  That there were some issues wasn’t, but that it was time to walk away from the relationship was a surprise.  While the relationship was still fairly young time wise, it was pretty intense emotionally.  But still there was a distance between us, that we weren’t able to overcome.  Being that J lives in Portland and I’m still in LA, there is the obvious physical distance.  Not so obvious, was little rifts that opened up as we navigated our feelings and the intensity of the relationship.

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Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2010/dark-night-soul/

Up in the Air

It’s been a crazy few months.  I saw the end of a long relationship.  The beginning of something new that was intense and amazing.  But also incredibly difficult for various reasons…including just under 1000 miles between the two of us.  I began making plans for my Escape from LA, but the desire to see more and more of Jeanne, was making my savings goals difficult.  I know I overdid things financially in October…and even then spent more than I would have liked in Nov.  I knew I needed to refocus and come up with a better plan in order to keep on schedule to move to Portland (See post linked above).

Reading between the lines, I’m sure you can guess that something has happened with that relationship though.  Its all still a little too fresh to write well about.  But instead of talking about marriage we’re now talking about how/if we can still be friends.

So here I am, unexpectedly at my parents house for Thanksgiving.  I feel out of sorts.  I don’t know where my life is going, as the path I was on a week ago seems like its ending.  I do know I’ve got a lot of doubt about things though.  I feel a little disconnected.  Can I still plan on moving to Portland, when its not to continue the process of building a life with her?  What does it mean for me in LA?  Certain things were much easier with the promise of her. 

I decided I’m going to seek out some therapy when I get home from this trip.  I think having someone non-partial to talk to about the stuff swirling around in my head well be good.  I don’t want things to spiral deeper into depression and let that cause issues with other parts of my life.  Its already affected my eating habits (I haven’t had much of an appetite for awhile…and its only been worse this past week).

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2010/up-in-the-air/