Tag: life or something like it

Nov 06 2016

Divorce (Finally)

Friday afternoon we finally reached a settlement agreement. The paperwork still needs to be drawn up and signed, but I’ll finally be able to put this whole chapter behind me sooner than later.

In the end, she’s getting off easier than she probably would have if the case had gone to trial. But the cost of going through with the deposition and trial that her side was pushing for would have canceled out much of the gain. The sad thing is, in the end we ended up only $700 below what I told her the low end would be when she left. So because she was unwilling to communicate at all (except through third parties…first her mom…then the attorneys), and even then unwilling to talk about any sort of settlement until the last week before the scheduled deposition, we both will have ended up spending at least a couple thousand extra dollars and probably 3 or 4 months on something we could have settled on our own.

As painful as this whole process has been, in the end it’ll end up being for the better. From her own words, she apparently had doubts even before we actually got married. The problem was she never said anything to me or anyone else about them. The marriage that I thought was built on strong rock because of the words she was telling me, was actually built on sand. The first storm that hit it damaged it beyond repair (even if it took a year for it to completely fall apart afterwards).

In the last six months I’ve done a lot of self-introspection. I’ve taken this time to really think about what is important to me in relationships. Where I’ve fallen short in the past (not just in the marriage, but prior relationships as well). The places where I gave up more than I should have. I will not distance myself from my family just because my partner feels awkward about being there. That communication is so important. If someone is unwilling to talk about the hard stuff…well then they probably aren’t really mature enough to be making the hard decisions (like getting married). I know I wasn’t perfect in the marriage. I know I acted in ways that contributed to the environment that led to our marriage falling apart. I tried to improve on those things when we went to couples counseling. But I fear, by the time we went to couples counseling it was already too late. Part of her had already made up her mind…she just needed the excuse to run from having difficult conversations herself. Nothing I could have done or said would have changed anything…at most it would have just adjusted the timing. I acknowledge and accept the role my actions played in our marriage ending. I’m not deflecting my personal responsibility on my mom, or her, or any others like she has. In the end, I know that I was faithful to my marriage vows until the end.

Despite how difficult this year has been, I really am in a better place than I was at the end of last year. I have a group of friends that have been a great support over the course of the year. The people I hang out with are a much healthier group of people than some of the people I had surrounded myself at the end of last year. I’ve got great housemates that have a positive outlook on things. Have I mentioned how great my friends have been the last six months? Because they have been…they helped me through my darkest times. They’ve been such a source of strength throughout everything and I’ll be eternally grateful.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/divorce-finally/

Sep 19 2016

its been awhile…

…since I’ve posted anything about what is going on with the divorce. Largely, that is because nothing much had happened on that front. Both A and her attorney seem to have been in no hurry to move the process along. They have both taken their time to respond to my attorney and turn over required information. However, finally things are starting to move forward again. Our initial settlement proposal was sent to her attorney on Friday afternoon. So at least the negotiations can now begin. There is also some sort of hearing date set finally (the end of Oct)…so hopefully we can get things settled before then and avoid needlessly going to court.

As for me personally, things are going ok. I’m embracing the beginning of my 40s and the opportunity for new beginnings and discoveries. I still have the occasional thought while doing things of “A. would love this right now,” which is still a little weird feeling. Divorce is still the most disorienting thing that has happened in my life.  I still wish she would have talked to me more about what she was thinking over the last year or so of our marriage. I wish she could have seen how hard I wanted her to be happy. Our relationship still may not have survived, but at least it could have been more amicable than duelling lawyers.

The biggest thing for me going forward is learning how to trust again. Not only other people, but myself and my instincts. I struggle with doubt about pretty much everything A told me over the last year or so of our marriage. Was she being honest with me (or to herself and then me)? Often much of it feels like a lie (even though logically I know it probably wasn’t at least completely). Like I’ve said before, I knew everything wasn’t perfect…but I didn’t know things were as far gone as they were.

As I begin to date again it’s probably going to take a special woman to get me in another serious relationship. Someone who has some patience as I figure out how to open myself up to them. It’s probably going to be someone who takes some initiative in the beginning. Someone willing to put themselves out there and say…hey I think you are cool and I’d like to get to know you better. I was thinking about this recently and my serious relationships have generally been like this (even A took the initiative for our relationship to be more than just friends). I’m not really sure how to do the dating thing these days. The online apps are weird and awkward to me. I spend a lot of time with folks in the Timbers Army, but so many people have a “no dating in the TA” policy (which I both understand and think is a little ridiculous). I’m in no rush to be in another relationship, but I do look forward to feeling some chemistry with someone again.

So that’s where things are at with the divorce. I’m mainly waiting for things to be negotiated by lawyers to a point where we can both sign off and be done. Where that final piece of closure can happen and our lives will move on in separate directions. I’m still grateful for the time we had together and how both the good and bad of our relationship has helped me grow to be a better man.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/its-been-awhile/

Sep 01 2016

forty

Wow, 40 years old. So crazy.

At the beginning of the year I was looking forward to turning 40. Things weren’t exactly where I wanted them to be, but I had a plan on how to improve things. Then my world fell apart and everything changed. I wasn’t sure how I felt about turning 40 anymore. At the beginning of August, I was kind of dreading the end of the month. I was facing 40 and a probable “antiversary” (where while I’m still technically married…there is no celebration of my marriage day) alone. I fell into a bit of a depression…the events of the year finally catching up to me. If I’m completely honest, that fog of depression is still there…but I’m working on focusing on the good things that happen each day. Inspired by a couple other friends, I have a little running project going on Instagram, where I post a daily (mostly) list of good things. For the most part, each day there are at least a few good things I can identify and remind myself that things aren’t all that bad.

You say it's your birthday... #GoodThings #40thbirthday #FuckDepression

A post shared by Ryan Gillespie (@rhinoblues) on

As the days to my 40th counted down, I decided to let this be a new beginning. 39 was probably the toughest year of my life. Just about everything that could be turned upside down was. This year around the sun will be better than the last. I’m working hard on those goals I had at the beginning of the year. Things are already getting better in many of those areas.

Thanks again to my family and friends that came over to celebrate my birthday with me. It was a huge thing for me to be able to spend an afternoon with all of you and really feel the love you have all given me.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/forty/

Aug 15 2016

Morning Song

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/morning-song/

Jul 18 2016

grandpa mike (final part)

My sister, who has been living in Hungary, was able to move up her flight moving back to the states a week and arrived to PDX on Friday night. Since one of my parents had to come up from Eugene to pick her up from the airport, I decided to head down with them and catch a Bolt Bus home on Sunday. Despite getting back to Eugene right around midnight, the whole family went over to sit with Grandpa for a little bit.

Each day we went over for a little bit and basically just watched him sleep.

I went with an old friend on Sunday morning (who knew him well), and then once more by myself right before I had to head down to the bus stop to go home. As I left, I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him one last time.

Overnight, he passed away peacefully in his sleep. His journey on this crazy planet complete.

I’m going to miss you grandpa.

I’m happy he got to meet both of my sisters children before he passed away. Someday I hope to tell my own children stories about him.

This is one of the last pictures of him, from the weekend James was born:

IMG_2387

Four generations.

I love you grandpa.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/grandpa-mike-final-part/

Jul 15 2016

Grandpa Mike (part 3)

For most of my college years, I lived in the mother in-law suite at my Grandparents house. During that time, I acquired a dog from a co-worker. Bruno was approx 2 yrs old when I got him (but his age wasn’t really known). My grandparents had huge back yard with plenty of room for him to run (and run and run and run). Inside the house…he was pretty good at following basic instructions, but when he was outside it was like all hearing disappeared. He was a mix of Walker Hound and Black Lab (at least).

Bruno

When I moved up to Portland in 2004, Bruno stayed at my grandparents house. He was happier there than he would have been able to be anywhere I would have been able to live at the time. He truly became my grandparents dog though the time one of them fell (either in the bathroom or outside…my memory is failing me at the moment) and the other was either outside or in the house. Bruno went and found the other of them to get their attention and lead them to the other.

Bruno lived a long time. I got him sometime in 2000 and he finally had to be put down just last year (or maybe late 2014…dates seem to be failing me at the moment). As much of a pain in the ass Bruno could be at times. I’m glad he was able to be a companion to my grandparents for a while. I know he loved being there with him.

Love you Grandpa.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/grandpa-mike-part-3/

Jul 14 2016

Grandpa Mike (part 2)

My sisters with Grandpa at Alisha’s wedding.

My grandpa was released from the hospital yesterday and while he recovered from the surgery and the initial reasons he was hospitalized, he’s having problems eating. Per his wishes (and after consulting with the doctors), there isn’t really much that can be done for that as he’s not a good candidate for further surgery that would help him take in food easier. Basically he’s now in care to manage pain and be comfortable. But most likely it’s just a matter of time. He’s 92, he’s lived a long good life. Was at home until going into the hospital on the 3rd. He’s outlived his wife by 9.5 years (so far). Not to shabby, especially for a family where the men don’t typically make it into their 90s.

I’m going to miss him though. He has been a huge part of my life growing up and who I’ve become. I’m not really ready to see him go (selfishly).

I love you Grandpa.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/grandpa-mike-part-2/

Jul 14 2016

for lost friends

For Lost Friends

As twilight makes a rainbow robe
From the concealed colors of day
In order for time to stay alive
Within the dark weight of night,
May we lose no one we love
From the shelter of our hearts.

When we love another heart
And allow it to love us,
We journey deep below time
Into that eternal weave
Where nothing unravels.

May we have the grace to see
Despite the hurt of rupture,
The searing of anger,
And the empty disappointment,
that whoever we have loved,
Such love can never quench.

Though a door may have closed,
Closed between us,
May we be able to view
Our lost friends with eyes
Wise with calming grace;
Forgive them the damage
We were left to inherit;

Free ourselves from the chains
Of forlorn resentment;
Bring warmth again to
Where the heart has frozen
In order that beyond the walls
Of our cherished hurt
And chosen distance
We may be able to
Celebrate the gifts they brought,
Learn and grow from the pain,
And prosper into difference,
Wishing them the peace
Where spirit can summon
Beauty from wounded space.

– John O’Donohue (from To Bless the Space Between Us)

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/for-lost-friends/

Jul 05 2016

perspective

The narratives we create based on our perspectives are interesting. How two people can view the same thing in very different ways. My divorce is one of those things. When we did couples counseling last summer and fall, I took a hard look at things I had done our relationship and tried to work on improving those things. As I look back on how I did in making those improvements, I know I didn’t fully succeed. It was hard knowing what was working and what was not working, because our communication wasn’t as good as it could have been or needed to be (and this is on both of us). Stagnant communication was a large part of why we stopped couples counseling in the fall (as we weren’t really communicating about anything serious even in that environment).

The narrative that I’ve seen from A is largely based on the fight we had the night she left. She does mention some of the things that I’ve pointed out in earlier posts where I failed in our marriage, but there is a lot of weight put on that one evening. Even then our perspective of that evening is quite different from each other. Personally, the weight put on that evening seems a bit disingenuous to me, as at least by appearances and actions, she had already decided to leave the marriage. Again, this is only my perspective on the subject, because I don’t feel like I got the completely honest story from her in the weeks leading up to her leaving. That fight doesn’t happen if she’s more honest with me in those preceding weeks (even if it had just been “I don’t want to be married anymore,” a question I had asked a version of a few weeks before). The words said that night didn’t break something that was fixable, it was already broken beyond repair (and yes A, if you ever do read this…I said words that night that came from a place of hurt and anger, and there is no excuse for that. I do take responsibility for those words and I don’t actually think they are true.)

I am in complete agreement though that the marriage needed to end. That it was over when she left the house on April 26th. There was most definitely no going back at that point (even if I wasn’t ready to admit that at the time). Our relationship had become something that was unhealthy for both of us. I could easily list off a bunch of perceived wrongs, but that really isn’t the point. It’s not going to do me any good to focus on things that are in the past. While I’d like to see some acknowledgement of her role in our marriage ending as part of her narrative, I know that’s something I’m not likely to see. Unfortunately the foundation we built our marriage on wasn’t a stable one and when the earth shook, the marriage couldn’t hold up to the shaking.

I wish things could have ended more amicably. That we could have actually had a discussion about how we could have parted ways in a way where there wouldn’t be the animosity that seems to be there now. That we could have processed our divorce paperwork and division of assets without having to spend a bunch of money to have attorneys do that for us. But this is what the circumstances of that last evening seem to have left us with. One lawyer talking to another lawyer, each talking to us, all the while billing us an hourly rate.

Thankfully, there isn’t any real difficult issues in our divorce case. The lawyers will put together a proposal and we’ll sign it and it’ll get submitted to the court. Once that happens, it’ll be 2-3 weeks and a judge will sign the paperwork and we’ll be officially divorced. It could even happen before we get to what would have been our 3 year anniversary.

With that a new perspective on the past eight years of my life will formed. Who I am will have changed.

I have a plan for the next few years, much of which was already planned before divorce became the reality.

I’m applying for new jobs (with better salaries)…and figuring out things that really excite me vocationally and hopefully finding myself in a position that meets both of those things.

I’ve got a plan to aggressively pay off my consumer debt that I allowed myself to fall into again. I was debt free (with the exception of student loans), when I moved back to Portland in 2012. Making better financial decisions and aggressively attacking the debt was something I dedicated myself to at the beginning of this year. At the time, I had different reasons driving that than I do know (wanting to relieve some of the financial stress on our marriage, getting ready to be in a better place to have kids, etc). Actually I suppose those reasons are still pretty similar to post-divorce goals as well. I want to be less financially stressed, so when I do have an opportunity to have a family again I won’t have to worry as much about the finances of it.

I’m working on continuing to nurture and improve my relationships (both personal and professional). My friends have been such a great source of support the past few months and I’ve tried to make sure they know how much I appreciate and cherish those friendships. I’ve been able to grow closer to my family again. I’ve seen a nephew in his first hour of life. I’ve formed new friendships with some amazing people. I’ve very much lucked into a great set of housemates, neighbors, and landlords.

I already feel healthier than I have since last summer. My stomach has settled down and I’ve lost some weight. My sleep schedule has returned to normal as well in the past month (after a few months of not sleeping well).

The future is wide open and it looks good!

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/perspective/

Jun 24 2016

two months after

Things are going well mostly. I still have some quite sad days…and some days where I’m mad at A. But there are fewer days like that now. Mostly those are idle days when I let my mind get away from me. The actual divorce is kind of in a waiting period now. My attorney is waiting for information from her attorney (and her), so the attorneys can begin discussing a final settlement of assets. Things could wrap up fairly quickly if an agreement can be reached and signed. (It should be fairly straight forward.) Then a few weeks after that when a judge signs the order…it’ll be over officially.

This whole process has left me with many questions. I have questions I know I’ll never get answers for (mainly because she’d have to answer them…and that doesn’t seem like something she’s ever going to be willing to do). Mostly though I’ve questioned myself. It has been a tough blow to my self-confidence to be so completely rejected by the person I loved and I thought still loved me. I’ve tried to focus on how I can improve myself though. I’ve tried to really make sure that my friends and family know how much I appreciate them and the time they’ve spent with me. I’m working on improving my career and financial situation (even though this is tough with the lower self-confidence). In general, each day is getting better. They all still have their moments, but I’m getting more comfortable in my new reality.

I do understand why divorced (and probably widowed) people are attracted to other divorced people. Even in just a platonic way, there is something comforting knowing that they have an understanding of the pain you’ve been (are going) through. Sure they have a different story and experience than you do…but they understand the struggle (whether that came from deciding to divorce…or being the divorcee).

Good things from the last two months: A new nephew! The new housemate is good, I haven’t seen much of her because of differing work hours and travel, but no issues so far there. I’ve also met and got to know better some amazing people over the last two months. I’ve been constantly amazed about the amazing community the Timbers Army is. Even though I already knew how amazing it was, it still is so wonderful how much they will rally for each other (despite the near constant Twitter drama of some sort or other). Have I mentioned the new nephew yet? My other nephew is pretty cute as well, traveling all over Europe (they currently live in Hungary) with my other sister and brother in-law. I love the barrage of Instagram photos when they get back from a trip (most recently Romania and the city in Hungary where the paprika is from).

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/two-months-after/