Tag: friends

Adult Friendships

I’ve had several conversations recently with different friends and family about how difficult it can be to both maintain and make new friendships as “adults.” I’m talking about maintaining friendships from childhood/college or making new friends in the post college time. People get married, some have kids. Between work and other family obligations, people get busy.

Someone did tweet into my Twitter timeline recently a pretty great piece of advice on one way to help stay connected to your friends in the face of all the everyday busyness of adult life:

I have more to say about this subject, however my thoughts are kinda all over the place at the moment. I’m going to need some more time to make them a little more coherent (I’ve written and deleted 3 or 4 different paragraphs).

In the meantime, anyone who happens to make it this far, I hope all is well with you. If we haven’t talked/texted/tweeted recently, I’d love to touch base and hear what is going on in your life.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2018/adult-friendships/

Divorce (Finally)

Friday afternoon we finally reached a settlement agreement. The paperwork still needs to be drawn up and signed, but I’ll finally be able to put this whole chapter behind me sooner than later.

In the end, she’s getting off easier than she probably would have if the case had gone to trial. But the cost of going through with the deposition and trial that her side was pushing for would have canceled out much of the gain. The sad thing is, in the end we ended up only $700 below what I told her the low end would be when she left. So because she was unwilling to communicate at all (except through third parties…first her mom…then the attorneys), and even then unwilling to talk about any sort of settlement until the last week before the scheduled deposition, we both will have ended up spending at least a couple thousand extra dollars and probably 3 or 4 months on something we could have settled on our own.

As painful as this whole process has been, in the end it’ll end up being for the better. From her own words, she apparently had doubts even before we actually got married. The problem was she never said anything to me or anyone else about them. The marriage that I thought was built on strong rock because of the words she was telling me, was actually built on sand. The first storm that hit it damaged it beyond repair (even if it took a year for it to completely fall apart afterwards).

In the last six months I’ve done a lot of self-introspection. I’ve taken this time to really think about what is important to me in relationships. Where I’ve fallen short in the past (not just in the marriage, but prior relationships as well). The places where I gave up more than I should have. I will not distance myself from my family just because my partner feels awkward about being there. That communication is so important. If someone is unwilling to talk about the hard stuff…well then they probably aren’t really mature enough to be making the hard decisions (like getting married). I know I wasn’t perfect in the marriage. I know I acted in ways that contributed to the environment that led to our marriage falling apart. I tried to improve on those things when we went to couples counseling. But I fear, by the time we went to couples counseling it was already too late. Part of her had already made up her mind…she just needed the excuse to run from having difficult conversations herself. Nothing I could have done or said would have changed anything…at most it would have just adjusted the timing. I acknowledge and accept the role my actions played in our marriage ending. I’m not deflecting my personal responsibility on my mom, or her, or any others like she has. In the end, I know that I was faithful to my marriage vows until the end.

Despite how difficult this year has been, I really am in a better place than I was at the end of last year. I have a group of friends that have been a great support over the course of the year. The people I hang out with are a much healthier group of people than some of the people I had surrounded myself at the end of last year. I’ve got great housemates that have a positive outlook on things. Have I mentioned how great my friends have been the last six months? Because they have been…they helped me through my darkest times. They’ve been such a source of strength throughout everything and I’ll be eternally grateful.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/divorce-finally/

for lost friends

For Lost Friends

As twilight makes a rainbow robe
From the concealed colors of day
In order for time to stay alive
Within the dark weight of night,
May we lose no one we love
From the shelter of our hearts.

When we love another heart
And allow it to love us,
We journey deep below time
Into that eternal weave
Where nothing unravels.

May we have the grace to see
Despite the hurt of rupture,
The searing of anger,
And the empty disappointment,
that whoever we have loved,
Such love can never quench.

Though a door may have closed,
Closed between us,
May we be able to view
Our lost friends with eyes
Wise with calming grace;
Forgive them the damage
We were left to inherit;

Free ourselves from the chains
Of forlorn resentment;
Bring warmth again to
Where the heart has frozen
In order that beyond the walls
Of our cherished hurt
And chosen distance
We may be able to
Celebrate the gifts they brought,
Learn and grow from the pain,
And prosper into difference,
Wishing them the peace
Where spirit can summon
Beauty from wounded space.

– John O’Donohue (from To Bless the Space Between Us)

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2016/for-lost-friends/

Even If I Don’t

New from Rachael Yamagata:

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2011/even-if-i-dont/

A Rogue Wedding in Disneyland

A couple years ago, I signed up at the Universal Life Church Monastery, and became an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church.  I did this in order to perform the wedding of one of my best friends.  A few months ago, one of my former co-workers at Symantec, messaged me to see if I could still do weddings.  He and his long time partner were finally going to get married, and they wanted to get married at one of their favorite places to go…Disneyland.

The problem with getting married at Disneyland is that its not allowed.  Sure you can get married at one of the hotels…starting at $10,000 for the official Disneyland wedding experience.  Even then, you can’t get married inside the park at that rate. 

So my friend asked if I’d be willing to perform a “rogue” wedding inside the park.  It would be just the two of them, a witness and myself.  I was more than glad to help out, so it was just a matter of my friend figuring out the date.

The date was finally set for May 5th and I took the afternoon off from work.  Because of a last minute change of schedule, Alicia wasn’t able to come with to be the witness, so my friend Noelle stood in.  We got to the park around 3pm and headed in to find a good location to perform the ceremony.  But first we had to stop and get some Mickey ear’s to complete the dress code.  We ended up finding a nice quiet spot next to the Thunder Mountain Ride (which was closed for maintenance), on a wooden bridge overlooking a pond (with turtles sunning on the shore).  The ceremony was fairly quick, just the vows (read off of the Bride’s iPhone), and the exchange of rings.  A few people caught on and cheered when it was over (and the possible staff member that walked by ignored it). 


After the ceremony, we got some celebratory lemonade (enhanced with some adult water) to toast the happy couple, and then explored the park until closing. 


After the parks closed, we returned to their hotel to sign the papers (and make it official), and then had dinner at the mexican restaurant at Downtown Disney to celebrate both the wedding and have Cinco de Mayo margharitas!

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2010/a-rogue-wedding-in-disneyland/

2 Nights of Ray LaMontagne

A few months ago, I purchased tickets to Ray LaMontagne at the Wiltern here in LA.  It was a second show that was added after the first show quickly sold out.  I was so glad when it was announced because I hadn’t been able to see him live yet.  Anyway, another one of my friends got tickets to the show in San Diego before the second show was announced, as it didn’t sell out immediately like the first LA show.  Between getting the tickets and the show, circumstances came about that she might not be going with the person she had originally intended.  So one day, I came up with this crazy idea of us sharing our tickets with each other and going to both shows.  My friend loved the idea.


I don’t have many pics from the shows…just a couple of really dark pictures from the San Diego show (the Wiltern doesn’t allow photography)…but here is Leona Ness (the opening act) and Ray at the Spreckels Theatre:


I enjoyed both nights quite a bit, but for different reasons.  I think the San Diego show was a little better…at least Ray’s portion of it.  The set was at least one song longer in San Diego (I think…I wasn’t counting…but the LA show just felt shorter).  We had great seats in San Diego, however they were off to the left and the view was partially blocked by the speakers.  We basically just saw the side and back of Ray.  In LA, the seats were in the balcony, so we were looking down from the center, but much further away.  Both venues were excellent for ambiance and sound quality.  Very fitting venues for the music.  My only complaints…in San Diego, we had some annoying folks around us, a couple where the guy was demeaning and pretty much just horrible to his date, and a girl who kept recording on her cell phone in 30 second blocks the majority of Ray’s set.  In LA, I was disappointed how little difference there was in the set list from the night before from Ray.  While Leona Ness played pretty much the same songs, she at least switched up the order.  Ray’s set was pretty much exactly the same, with the exception being him not performing Roses and Cigarettes in LA. More pics from the weekend are here.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2008/2-nights-of-ray-lamontagne/

Sketch 44

It has been an interesting week.  Of course the big happening of the last week was the election (if you couldn’t tell from my earlier posts today).  Over the weekend, I saw two shows by Ray LaMontagne (in San Diego and Los Angeles respectively), look for more on that in a future post though.  A friendship has changed (sadly).

I am hopeful this week though.  I’m still in disbelief in some ways about the election.  Both the fact that Obama was elected President, and that the state of California pass Prop 8, eliminating the right of marriage for same-sex partners.  I am hopeful though that eventually all of the citizens of California (and the US) will be treated equally when it comes to marriage.

I’ve been in my new apartment for about a month now.  I’m really happy there.  My roommates are great.  The only bad thing is I’m watching more TV now…but oh well.  I do want to get back to some more creative pursuits however.  I need to make that a goal this month.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2008/sketch-44/

Sketch 36

Well of course the big news of the week is that I have to find a new place to live.  Now that I’ve got a working computer at home, I’ve been scouring the listings on craigslist for new apartments.  So far the pickings are slim, at least in the range I’d like to stay in.  All in all, its kind of a pain in the ass to have to find a new place right now.  Even if it was just another month past, I’d be in better shape for a move.

Friday night, I met a few friends at the Blue Palms Brewhouse to celebrate both mine and a friends recent birthdays.  I had Craftsman Brewing’s Black Sour beer and Victory’s FestBier.  Both were pretty good.

Saturday, I drove up to Santa Barbara to pick up a computer from a friend (Thanks Jen!).  Took the long way home on Highway 1 between Oxnard and Malibu.  Very nice drive, but can see why the 101 route works better.  It’s great to have such good friends (and to be back online at home).

Sunday, I went to the LA Greek Festival with a friend and had some Greek Food, which was pretty much the entire point of the festival as far as I could tell.

I’m thinking of checking out the LA County Fair this weekend…if I decide the drive to Pomona is worth it.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2008/sketch-36/

Sketch 35

Ahh, Labor Day weekend.  Also, my birthday weekend.  Yes, I am now Double Sweet Sixteen.  My birthday was pretty low key.  I ended up just walking over to Miss T’s Barcade with a friend, playing some old school video games and having a couple beers.  Then we walked further down Western and got some Pho for dinner. 

Saturday, I went over to my friends place to watch the USC game (if you could call it a game).  I fell asleep before halftime and pretty much missed the second half of the game.  What I was looking forward to was the Oregon game later that night anyway.  For the fifth year in a row (a first for the series), Oregon beat Washington (the rival we dislike even more than Oregon St).  The defense looked really good and the offense looked good as well (especially for being so young).  Should be an interesting season.

Sunday after church, I met up with an old friend and his fiance, who recently moved down to Los Angeles from the Bay Area.  It was cool getting a chance to catch up on life and things.

It was kinda weird having Monday off for the holiday, I’m already used to being at work M-F now.  I went to a beach, and then just hung out with a friend later that night.

Work has been good this week.  My Asia boss has been in the office for a few days, so lots of work getting done while he’s in LA.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2008/sketch-35/

Sketch 33

I received my first paycheck from the new job, which of course is pretty much already spent.  A large chunk of it went to the California Department of Motor Vehicles.  Yes, I finally officially own my car.  The fee was significantly more than what the DMV website said it would be.  It was the $165 usage tax that killed me.  Oh well, I get paid weekly for the time being, so its not like I have to wait long to get paid again.

On Saturday, I drove up to Santa Barbara for a friends birthday bbq.  It was nice to get out of LA, even just for the evening.  The bbq was pretty low key but still a great time.  One of the food highlights was my first experience with Ceviche.  This particular ceviche was made by one of my friends Peruvian friends, with halibut.  There were also homemade potato chips and exquisitely bbq’d tri-tip and chicken.  Oh, and maybe a beer or two.

Work so far has been good.  I’m still not completely sure about everything I’m supposed to be doing, but I’m learning more everyday.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2008/sketch-33/