tell me now…
Mar 01 2011
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Dec 08 2010
I feel somewhat cruddy at the moment. As I mentioned in an earlier post, right before Thanksgiving, the relationship I was in ended. It came as somewhat of a surprise. That there were some issues wasn’t, but that it was time to walk away from the relationship was a surprise. While the relationship was still fairly young time wise, it was pretty intense emotionally. But still there was a distance between us, that we weren’t able to overcome. Being that J lives in Portland and I’m still in LA, there is the obvious physical distance. Not so obvious, was little rifts that opened up as we navigated our feelings and the intensity of the relationship.
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2010/dark-night-soul/
Nov 26 2010
It’s been a crazy few months. I saw the end of a long relationship. The beginning of something new that was intense and amazing. But also incredibly difficult for various reasons…including just under 1000 miles between the two of us. I began making plans for my Escape from LA, but the desire to see more and more of Jeanne, was making my savings goals difficult. I know I overdid things financially in October…and even then spent more than I would have liked in Nov. I knew I needed to refocus and come up with a better plan in order to keep on schedule to move to Portland (See post linked above).
Reading between the lines, I’m sure you can guess that something has happened with that relationship though. Its all still a little too fresh to write well about. But instead of talking about marriage we’re now talking about how/if we can still be friends.
So here I am, unexpectedly at my parents house for Thanksgiving. I feel out of sorts. I don’t know where my life is going, as the path I was on a week ago seems like its ending. I do know I’ve got a lot of doubt about things though. I feel a little disconnected. Can I still plan on moving to Portland, when its not to continue the process of building a life with her? What does it mean for me in LA? Certain things were much easier with the promise of her.
I decided I’m going to seek out some therapy when I get home from this trip. I think having someone non-partial to talk to about the stuff swirling around in my head well be good. I don’t want things to spiral deeper into depression and let that cause issues with other parts of my life. Its already affected my eating habits (I haven’t had much of an appetite for awhile…and its only been worse this past week).
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2010/up-in-the-air/
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Oct 07 2010
From this Channel 4 news report
Jonathan Pryce reads a newly rediscovered poem by Ted Hughes where he imagines his wife’s last night before her suicide.
A devastatingly beautiful intimate poem, not originally included in his Birthday Letters collection (though I imagine it will be added to a new edition).
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2010/last-letter/
Sep 01 2010
The hard part (at least for me)
about breaking up is losing the friendship. If even just temporarily. Setting arbitrary dates of when you can touch base again and see where we are in life. But the thing is, you won’t be in the same place. I suppose that’s a good thing in some ways, as there’s a reason things had to change. But there is still a feeling of deep loss. Like the act of actively not talking to someone will just make that the new status quo. At the end of the arbitrary time, there just won’t anything left but awkwardness and bittersweet memories.
Obviously this morning was seeped in melancholy for me, and listening to the John Prine version of the below song probably didn’t help. But it sums up a little of what I’m feeling this morning.
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2010/some-changes/
Sep 10 2009
I think I need to spend some time sitting (reading) with Richard Rohr.
Graciously stolen from this post by Gareth Higgins: How are We Present to Reality?
A remarkable thought from Richard Rohr, which, if I read it thoughtfully enough, I think might get me through the day:
“Somewhere each day we have to fall in love, with someone, something, some moment, event, phrase, animal, or person. And it must be done quite definitively! Somehow each day we must allow a softening of our heart, which usually moves toward hardness and separation without our even knowing it. We can now prove neurologically that it is easier to move toward cynicism, bitterness, fear and despair than it is toward goodness, beauty, or appreciation. All spirituality is intended to help us recognize and counter our downward spiral toward smallness.
The world often tries to conjure up life by making itself falsely excited, by creating parties, even when there is no actual reason to celebrate. I have often noted in poor countries how people create fiestas because they have survived another season or even another day. We create fiestas to create fiestas, which I guess is not all bad; but after a while the ungirding of joy and contentment is not there. We have to create and discover the parties of the heart, the place where we know we can enjoy what is, and that we have indeed survived and even flourished another day of our one and only life. Just make sure you are somewhere, and always, definitively in love! Then you’ll see rightly, because only when we are in love can we accept the mystery that almost everything is.”
An interesting thought indeed. It seems somewhat appropriate for me in relation to my recent spiritual struggles. Living in a place like Los Angeles can be quite the beast. Its a tough place to find your niche. At least for me it is. I’ve been here just over two years now and still haven’t found my “community.” Sure there are a handful of acquaintances and even a few friends, but for whatever reason it just hasn’t gelled into a community for me. Perhaps the comparison to my community in Portland gets in the way of this. Perhaps the struggles of my first nine months working here and what that did to my confidence in myself…to my self-esteem…is sub-consciously hindering me in my relationships. I don’t really know for sure. I know my internal life has struggled and I’m sure it has affected my external presence.
In reality, things aren’t that bad. I’ve got a job that pays well enough for a level of financial security I haven’t really had since leaving my parents house. I’ve found love that is amazing and surprising in so many ways. I just sometimes need to remind myself of that.
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2009/loving-everyday/
Feb 22 2009
graciously stolen from tamie (who got it from someone else):
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in a casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.”
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2009/to-love/
Jan 15 2009
by R.S. Gwynn
Her e-mail inbox always overflows.
Her outbox doesn’t get much use at all.
She puts on hold the umpteen-billionth call
As music oozes forth to placate those
Who wait, then disconnect. Outside, wind blows,
Scything pale leaves. She sees a sparrow fall
Fluttering to a claw-catch on a wall.
Will He be in today? God only knows.
She hasn’t seen His face–He’s so aloof.
She’s long resigned He’ll never know or love her
But still can wish there were some call, some proof
That He requires a greater service of her.
Fingers of rain now drum upon the roof,
Coming from somewhere, somewhere far above her.
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2009/gods-secretary/
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