Tag: discernment

a weekend in silence…(cont.)

continued from the previous entry

After my hike on Friday afternoon, the rest of the weekend was filled with pretty much the same stuff.  I did some reading, worked on a couple poems and reflected in silence.  All the while keeping the monastic hours.

The monastic day officially starts at 4:15am with Vigils and ends at approximately 8pm with Compline.  It was surprisingly easy to adjust to this schedule with the relaxed nature of the weekend.  Despite getting up at 4am each day, I woke up refreshed.

I didn’t really come out of the weekend with any answers (though I didn’t really expect to either).  I’m fairly certain that the trappist ideal is not a possible vocation for me.  While I am perfectly comfortable in the silence, I think part of me needs to have a connection to the community at large.  I identified one of the major reasons that it would be difficult for me to ever consider converting to the Roman Catholic church.  It is my belief that mass should be shared with everyone, whether they of a different denomination or even if they aren’t Christians.  If someone wants to come to the table, they should be able to participate fully.

I’ll definitely do something like this again, it was a great way to recharge.

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off the grid

Early tomorrow morning (as in 5.15am) I am heading out to Our Lady of Guadalupe Trappist Abbey for a weekend retreat.  I’m leaving the cell phone, the laptop and the bustle of the city behind.  What I’ll be taking with me, a couple books, my moleskine and an open mind and spirit.  It’ll be a weekend of silence and discernment.

The books I’ll have with me:

  • The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton
  • Jesus the Son of Man by Kahlil Gibran
  • The Essential Rumi translated by Coleman Barks

I’m sure I’ll have a lot to say about the weekend when I get back on Sunday!

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The Seven Storey Mountain (pt 2)

For my review of Part 1 of The Seven Storey Mountain click here.

Parts 2 & 3 of The Seven Storey Mountain were much more enjoyable for me.  And as a result, I got a lot more out of these sections of the book.  I think in the end I had the expectation of the later Merton who was much more open to non-Catholics.  The harshness of the young Merton (and Father Louis) was a little unsettling for me.

The things that stuck most for me in this section were nuggets of wisdom about discernment and vocation.  Merton’s journey from conversion to the monastery was fascinating for me as well.  My reading of this book has been timely for me.  This was of course a purposeful reading on my part.  With the hiatus of my path to seminary it has been a time to rediscover aspects of my faith.  My faith hasn’t been something I’ve questioned, however I have let it coast somewhat recently.  Its time for me to get my hands a little dirty with my spiritual life again.

I’m going to take a weekend retreat at Our Lady of Guadalupe Trappist Abbey next month.  I’m really looking forward to this time to really focus on my faith life.  There are also a few sections of The Seven Storey Mountain that I plan to meditate over the next month or so.  I’ll probably post on a few of those later on this blog.

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The Seven Storey Mountain (Part 1)

This morning I completed the first part of The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton.  The book is the story of his “search for faith and peace.” (according the back cover of the book)  This section of the book covers the time of his childhood through his college years at Columbia.  At this point in the book, I don’t really like Merton, though I suspect that Merton himself didn’t like Merton at this point in his life.  Perhaps, as the note to the reader suggests, this is just a matter of perception.  The Catholic church and the world at large were much different places in the years immediately following World War II.  This is surely part of it, however, there were numerous times that I was put off by the arrogance of “Father Louis” (Merton’s monastic name) and how it related to Thomas Merton the child and young adult.

Perhaps the most telling example of this occurs in a scene after his father has died:

First a scene from right before his father’s death:

    Of us all, Father was the only one who really had any kind of a faith.  And I do not doubt that he had very much of it, and that behind the walls of his isolation, his intelligence and his will, and not hampered in any essential way by the partial obstruction of some of his senses, were turned to God, and communed with God Who was with him and in him, and Who gave him, as I believe, light to understand and to make use of his suffering for his own good, and to perfect his soul.  It was a great soul, large, full of natural charity.  He was a man of exceptional intellectual honesty and sincerity and purity of understanding.  And this affliction, this terrible and frightening illness which was relentlessly pressing him down even into the jaws of the tomb, was not destroying him after all.

[…] We thought he was done for, but it was making him great.  And I think God was already weighing out to him the weight of reality that was to be his reward, for he certainly believed far more than any theologian would require of a man to hold explicitly as “necessity of means,” and so he was eligible for this reward, and his struggle was authentic, and not wasted or lost or thrown away.

However, just over a year after his fathers death, the young Merton (through the eyes of the monastic Merton) seems to have forgotten his earlier admiration of his father’s faith, during what could be considered the beginning of Merton’s conversion experience:

    Suddenly it seemed to me that Father, who had now been dead more than a year, was there with me.  The sense of his presence was as vivid and as real and as startling as if he had touched my arm or spoken to me.  The whole thing passed in a flash, but in that flash, instantly, I was overwhelmed with a sudden and profound insight into the misery and corruption of my own soul, and I was pierced deeply with a light that made me realize something of the condition I was in, and I was filled with horror at what I saw, and my whole being rose up in revolt against what was within me, and my soul desired escape and liberation and freedom from all this with an intensity and an urgency unlike anything I had ever known before.  And now I think for the first time in my whole life I really began to pray–praying not with my lips and with my intellect and my imagination, but praying out of the very roots of my life and of my being, and praying to the God I had never known, to reach down towards me out of His darkness and to help me to get free of the thousand terrible things that held my will in their slavery.

There were a lot of tears connected with this, and they did me good, and all the while, although I had lost that first vivid, agonizing sense of the presence of my father in the room, I had him in my mind, and I was talking to him as well as to God, as though he were a sort of intermediary.  I do not mean this in any way that might be interpreted that I thought he was among the saints.  I did not really know what that might mean then, and now that I do know I would hesitate to say that I thought he was in Heaven.  Judging by my memory of the experience I should say it was “as if” he had been sent to me out of Purgatory.  For after all, there is no reason why the souls in Purgatory should not help those on earth by their prayers and influence, just like those in Heaven: although usually they need our help more than we need theirs.  But in this case, assuming my guess has some truth in it, things were the other way ’round.

It really just amazes me that the “elder” Merton can look back on his father, a man who’s faith he could not question, and still think his father would not be in Heaven.  Is it just because his father was not a Catholic?  I can’t be completely sure, since this is my first real exposure to Merton’s works, but based on the way he speaks of the “Protestant” denominations elsewhere in the book, I suspect that is a large part of it.

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mountain climbing

Often when we have a goal in mind we try to take the straightest possible route to that goal.  However often, the straight route isn’t always the fastest or best route.  The example given to me this morning was of a sail boat tacking.  Since I haven’t done much sailing in my life, I can relate to it more in terms of hiking and climbing mountains.  When trails are built and there is a high grade of elevation gain to overcome, they are often built with switchbacks.  While in terms of distance, the trail becomes longer, it is actually easier on our bodies and often faster then trying to head straight up the side of a mountain.  (Actually come to think of it the principles are the same in sailing at trail building)

At my discernment meeting this morning, the group decided to bring itself to an end.  As a group (me included) it was discerned that now is not the time for me to pursue the priesthood.  It wasn’t a no, but a not yet.  I’m incrediably thankful for the members of my discernment group and all of the support they gave me throughout this part of the process.

So what does this all mean for me now?  Honestly, I have no clue.  For the immediate future, I am working up at OHSU as a Performance Analyst (at least that is what they are going to call the official position once they post it).  It’s actually a pretty cool job as office jobs go.  When they post the permanant position it’ll be only 0.6FTE, however that might not be a bad thing as it would give me the opportunity to explore other things.

What I need to remember now is: (1) Look for the positive things in the developments of the last week. (2) Learn from all the events that have affected my life in the last six months. (3) Pray and the Pray again.  (4) Be thankful for the wonderful friends I have.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/mountain-climbing/

crossroad blues

I went to the crossroad
     fell down on my knees
I went to the crossroad
     fell down on my knees
Asked the Lord above “Have mercy, now
     save poor Bob, if you please.”
Mmmmm, standin’ at the crossroad
     I tried to flag a ride
Standin’ at the crossroad
     I tried to flag a ride
Didn’t nobody seem to know me, babe
     everybody pass me by
Mmm, the sun goin’ down, boy
     dark gon’ catch me here
oooo ooee eeee
     boy, dark gon’ catch me here
I haven’t got no lovin’ sweet woman that
     love and feel my care
You can run, you can run
     tell my friend-boy Willie Brown
You can run
     tell my friend-boy Willie Brown
Lord, that I’m standin’ at the crossroad, babe
     I believe I’m sinkin’ down

— Robert Johnson “Cross Road Blues (Take 2)”

I am standing right at the crossroad right now.  I need to fall down on my knees and ask the Lord, “Where oh where do I go now?”  I feel lost, and I’m not sure how to find my way home.  The paths that I know are in front of me are, the road to seminary and teaching English in Japan for at least a year.  Other than that, its an unknown path.  My ever precarious finances may make the Japan option a little more difficult.  I’ll need to have about $2000 set aside to cover airfare and expenses when I first get over there.  Which is of course about $2000 more than I have set aside in savings at the moment.  The road to seminary feels like its a little impassable for the moment.  Leaving just the unknown.

I honestly don’t know what I am going to do, if not on the path towards seminary.  The Japan option would just be a short detour on that path more than anything else.  If I do deviate from the seminary path, then where do I go, what do I do?  Do I stay in Portland?

Right now, all I can do is fall down on my knees and listen for that still small voice.

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discerning the possibilities

It has been an interesting few months for me and my discernment process.  I’m not entirely sure if it has completely broken down or just taken a few steps backwards.  As it is for the moment, my committee is scheduled to meet again on Aug. 18th.  I still have not completed the last “formal” assignment the committee gave me back in May.  However, I am going to work on the essays over the next week and see if I can’t get something done for it.

What I’m most trying to figure out right now is what to do in the near term.  I have an interview with a company to teach english in Japan on Aug. 9th.  I’m still trying to decide whether or not I’d take the job if it is offered to me.  On one hand, it’ll be an incredible experience.  I’ll get to live abroad for a year, work on becoming semi-fluent in another language and eat lots of sushi.   On the other hand, the timeline to head off to seminary will be most definitely postponed.  One of the things that I’m wrestling with however, is whether or not my summer hiccup hasn’t already pushed back seminary until at least 2008.  If I do end up accepting a position in Japan, I will probably move my stuff down to Eugene and do some temp work there until I leave in order to save as much money as possible.

If I do end up deciding to stick to the current course of action and stay in Portland there are things I must decide here as well.  Things with my roommate have still not recovered to a point where I’d like them to be.  I’ve made an effort to move on from the anger and hurt I felt from his actions of a couple months ago.  For the most part that has made things a lot better.  However, every once in awhile, I really get a little down because he doesn’t really make any effort to include/invite me in/to things even though I have.  So I’ll need to decide whether or not I need to find a new place to live.  It just sucks sometimes feeling so alone in a place, even though you have a roommate…and feeling alone even if he’s there.

So that’s where things are at for the moment.  I’m not sure if I’ll post again until after the discernment committee gathering on the 18th. 

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/discerning-the-possibilities/

blogging

One of the things about blogging is that it can sometimes get you in trouble.  Recently this has been in the news again with the firing of the writer of petiteanglaise.com [Read the CNN Article].  This phenomena has even made it into internet slang as being “dooced” named from the website of one of the first publicized instances of this happening [dooce.com]

So what does this mean for this blog?  Well for starters it makes me consider the things I post about (at least publicly).  While this blog isn’t widely publicized, it wouldn’t be that hard for someone to find it if they wanted to.  So there have been a few things that I’ve wanted to write about, however have refrained from posting them, because I’m not sure how someone down the road will read into them.  Eventually, I hope to be able to protect some entries, allowing known people to access them (through a login and password).  However the plugin for the blogging software I’m currently using does not quite have the functions I want yet.  A pending version looks to be more of what I’m looking for.  Until then, some of my entries will remain unpublished.

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the times….they are a changing

My process has gone into a bit of a self-imposed hiatus. While I have managed to pick up a temporary job that will allow me to have the money to cover August’s rent, my financial situation is still tenuious at best. Its a little frustrating to me, as I was finally making some progress on my path to seminary. While I haven’t had a lot of time to concentrate on this process in the past month or so, I have been doing a little work on it as well. I recently re-read Bill Countryman’s book Living on the Border of the Holy: Renewing the Priesthood of All. Once I get a little more settled with my current job situation, I’ll probably re-read it again, as there was definitely more that I wanted to delve into with that book. Especially in regards to my call towards an ordained ministry. I really like the idea though, that we are all priests in the church and that the “ordained” priesthood is just a sacramental priesthood and that we shouldn’t view the ordained/laiety groups as opposites.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/the-timesthey-are-a-changing/

discernment and the state of the state

I have for approximately six years been striving towards a goal of attending seminary and becoming an Episcopal priest. It has been a long journey to get there and get to the point where this goal was within site. One of the first things holding me up on this journey has been the completion of my undergraduate degree. Between my poor study habits and only going to school part time, this ended up taking quite awhile. However, with the completion of a French class this past spring I have finally completed the requirements to receive my degree. The second thing holding me up in my process has been moves. Sometimes this is just moving parishes in the same town, but it has also been moving cities as well. But all that aside, I am finally have a discernment committee going and am more or less officially in the process towards gaining approval to go to seminary on an ordination track.

Which brings me to the last couple of months. After a time of relatively little struggle and making some progress to my goal, I’ve encountered some difficult times. First, it was at a relationship level. Then just about the time that I was coming to terms with that struggle, my job situation went downhill. At the firm where I have been working there has been a lot of turnover among the office management. Eventually that has led to my dismissal as the last manager and my personalities did not gel. While this wouldn’t be as big of a deal in a bigger office, our office was basically a two person office. So it was important that our personalities were compatible.

So what does this all mean to my journey. Well, to be honest I’m not really sure. I have been struggling with some doubt in regards to it or at least the timing. I feel a little lost right now, in both my love and work lives. I’m struggling a lot with fear right now. What happens if my process stalls? What do I do if it does? What happens if I don’t find a new job quickly? I have faith…but I also have doubts. I still feel very strongly about my call to the priesthood, yet I struggle to put it in the right words. Most of all I wonder what is next for me. What do I do now…before I can go to seminary?

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