Category: life or something like it

Feb 13 2007

a psalm of happenstance

…there’s a rule I always follow when I don’t know what to do…If you have to choose between something that has form and something that doesn’t, go for the one without form.  That’s my rule.  Whenever I run into a wall I follow that rule, and it always works out.  Even if it’s hard going at the time.

–from “Chance Traveler” by Haruki Murakami

She left what she knew was home…for a place foreign to her heart.  She knew this when she left…that her heart would never give her peace there.  But she is there nonetheless.
He knows her heart.  It is not his…it was never meant to be.  It doesn’t stop his heart from shedding tears for her embrace.  He is where her heart is.  He wants to keep it safe for her love.
Sometimes they wonder…what is over that next mountain?  What will that other country will bring?  She travels there seeking it, while he sits at home…just dreaming of his love.
He wants to take a risk…to sail to that place in his dreams.  Where love and God and he are all together.  Where she has her heart and her love and her God.
For a moment they forget all this though.  They fall, each in their own ways.  Finding God through making love (or at least trying to).
We think there should be some form to it all.  Dating, Marriage, Children, Death.  But that is where we are wrong.
God like Love has no form.  It is unique to each of our whole selves.  God, You and I.  A union of physical, spiritual and sensual lives.
It is:
Love
Sex
God
Us
Whatever the risk, we can do no less.
But give everything.
Even when we know it will only be a brief moment.
—for A and A

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/a-psalm-of-happenstance/

Jan 07 2007

RIP Grandma

At 7pm tonight…my grandma passed away.  She’d had a couple of rough days of fighting…but the last two days it was difficult for her to breathe.  At least now she’s at peace.

I love you grandma and I’ll miss you.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/rip-grandma/

Jan 07 2007

clouds hanging over life

Things don’t look good with my grandma.  Even if she were to recover…she’s likely never to be able to really return home.  The last couple days have been rough on her.  She’s having a much harder time breathing.  It’s a very labor intensive process for her.  She doesn’t want to die, but she’s also very afraid.  You can hear it in her voice and see it in her eyes.  If she can’t stabilize…they can’t do a surgery for a feeding tube in her stomach.  And she can’t go to a rehab center without the surgery.  

It’s been such an emotional roller coaster this past week.  The strength of my grandpa and my uncle and dad amazes me.  They’ve slept so little since Thursday…taking turns to make sure someone is always with her.  I know I haven’t had their strength.  Being at the hospital is tough and makes me sad.  I go at least once or twice a day…but I’m always exhausted after just a few hours.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/clouds-hanging-over-life/

Jan 05 2007

the joys of eldercare

I headed down to Eugene Wednesday after work in order to make sure I’d have a chance to see my grandma.  She’d had a pretty rough weekend and it was pretty touch and go.  Thursday morning, my sisters and I were getting ready to head over to the hospital for a visit when my dad called.  They had decided that they would be removing the feeding tube and ventilator currently down her throat.  The risk (and what the doctors expected to happen) was that her throat would continue to swell after removing the tube, making it impossible for her to breathe.  So around 10:30am Thursday morning, the tubes were removed and an unexpected thing happened.  Nothing.  She stabilized fairly quickly and remained that way for the rest of the afternoon.  At this point, they decided to move her downstairs from the ICU into a regular hospital room.  However the doctors still didn’t expect her to make it through the night.   A little after 4pm my sisters and I headed home for a little break and nap.  I headed back over to the hospital around 6.30pm.  Around 8pm, despite the morphine, she woke up enough and began to talk for the first time all day.  She told us she wants to go home and asked questions.

Today she has been improving throughout the day.  She’s more talkative (and more insistent on going home).  She doesn’t however want to go home just to die.  She’s fighting with all she has.  The doctors were all happily surprised she survived the night.  Now they are busy figuring out what med’s they are going to restart to help give her the tools she needs to fight the things afflicting her.  If she continues to improve over the next few days…she’ll likely be released from the hospital and at least get to move to a rehab facility where she’ll be able to continue her recovery.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/the-joys-of-eldercare/

Jan 01 2007

Fire on Belmont

I was watching college football this afternoon and around 1:30pm heard something weird outside.  I looked out the back window to see the upper story of the building behind us on fire.

Right as I looked out, my neighbor knocked on my door, yelling about the fire.  I grabbed my camera, snapped the above shot from my window…and grabbed my laptop and passport and left the building (just in case the fire spread).  I went over the the back yard of the house being remodeled next door and shot the following picture before the fire department had shown up (maybe five minutes had elapsed at this point)

After the fire department arrived they quickly got control of the fire.  As of now, I don’t know of anyone being hurt.  I did find one of the neighbor’s cat running around.  I gave them a call on the number on the cat’s collar and left a voice mail.  Walked around for a bit looking to see if I could find his/her owner…but couldn’t so brought him back to my house after letting someone with the FD know that I had the cat. (They were going to call animal control).

The owner just called me and are on the way to pick up at least one of their kitties. (From the call, they’ve got at least 2 cats.)

A few more pictures here.

Update:  According to the news, no one was hurt.  4 of the 8 apts are completely uninhabitable, the other 4 with extensive damage.  I was on KOIN 6 and didn’t look like a complete dork (at least I don’t think so).

Update 2: Bella, the cat, is with her owners. Turns out there was only the one cat from that apartment.  I did however get a call from another resident of the building who is still looking for her cat. 🙁

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/fire-on-belmont/

Jan 01 2007

the new year

In what I hope is not a harbinger of the coming year, my New Year’s Eve was cast upon with loneliness and death.  My closest friends were all out of town and none of the “nightlife” options appealed to me this year.  The most difficult part of the day was however the update my father gave me on my grandmother.  Friday, she had been moved back to the hospital from the rehab center.  On Saturday, she was moved back into ICU.  After being bed ridden with a feeding tube down one nostril for two weeks, she had developed pneumonia.  The doctors wanted to do a surgery to insert a feeding tube directly into her stomach, however because of the respiratory problems, could not do the surgery yet.  Saturday night was a rough night for my grandma, she was having a hard time breathing.  However, Sunday morning she was doing better after one big coughing bit.  For now they are going to see if they can work on breaking up some of the blockage, so they can go ahead with the surgery to insert a feeding tube into her stomach.  However that’ll be a couple of days at the earliest (that they would do the surgery).

I was lucky to be with a friend when I did get this call though.  Because my dad talked to me about what would happen if things got worse.  They are going to aggressively treat what they can…but they aren’t going to keep her alive just for the sake of keeping her alive.  I know she’s lived a long and good life, but its still kinda tough to wrap my head around the fact that she might die.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/the-new-year/

Jan 01 2007

one deep breath: a new year

for my grandma:

machines watch over
pneumonic nights. fighting death–
for another year.

 

more breaths of new year from the poets at one deep breath 

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/one-deep-breath-a-new-year/

Dec 31 2006

the end of 2006

I found out last night my grandma is back in ICU (this is after finding out the day before they brought her back from the rehab center to the hospital).  Nothing immediately life threatening, they just want to be able to observe her more completely.

I have no plans for New Year’s Eve.  I might just go to bed early.  If I had transportation, I’d go camping somewhere…or to the coast.  Just get away from the city for a bit.

I am looking forward to the new year however.  As of the 1st, I’ll be at .75FTE at my job.  I’ve got some ideas I’m going to check into for some more career advancement.  Great things are going to happen this year.  

Looking back at last year, there were some pretty negative things that happened over the first half of the year.  However, the second half of the year improved greatly and I believe that I’m in a much better place at the beginning of 2007 than I was at the beginning of 2006.

Have a great New Year’s everyone!!! 

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/the-end-of-2006/

Dec 19 2006

December Update

I’m back to blogging after a short hiatus for most of December.  Between a webhost move and a general lack of inspiration, not much came out of me to blog about.  Anyway, a little of what has been going on with me over the past month or so.

On Nov. 27th, I became official at my job (I had been a temp employee since July).  For now I’m only working half time there, but its more than enough to live comfortably.  My boss is trying to find more budget, because she’d like me there full time.  Ideally, I think I’d like to get to .75 (or 30 hours per week).

I picked up a pretty nasty bug a couple weekends ago that had me pretty well whipped for my entire 4 day weekend.  Though I suppose its good that I didn’t have to take any sick days for it.

Last weekend was the annual Eugene Santa Pub Crawl, so I went down for that.  By the time Saturday night rolled around, my heart wasn’t quite in it, but I still had a good time.  Some pics are here.

Saturday morning my grandmother (dad’s side) had a stroke.  I’m pretty close to my grandparents as I lived in their mother-in-law’s suite for almost 8 years.  Anyway, I got to see her on Sunday afternoon for a little bit.  She recognized my dad and I and was able to talk to us.  I talked to my dad last night and she’s out of ICU and the bleeding in/on her brain has stopped.  So medically she’s doing pretty good.  The doctors think she’ll be in the hospital for a week, but that means she may be home before Christmas as long as things continue to go well. 

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/december-update/

Dec 18 2006

one deep breath: storms

A different kind of storm for my take on this weeks prompt from one deep breath.  Saturday my grandmother had a stroke.  As of now the doctors think she’ll be fine, but she’ll be in the hospital for at least a week for observation/recovery.  When my dad and I visited with her Sunday afternoon, she recognized us and was able to ask us questions and follow the conversation.  I’ll take that as a good sign.

a gust topples
the body without notice
unforgiving

My grandparents and I at my college graduation.

more stormy breaths from the poets at one deep breath 

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/one-deep-breath-storms/