I’m not really sure how I felt about the Maundy Thursday service tonight. It was good, but I was still a little disappointed that only (i think) 6 people actually got their feet washed. They were chosen to represent the larger community and reflected different segments of the parish population. But then this is a larger church than I have ever been in as well, so perhaps it simply would have taken too long. Normally this is my favorite service of the year, but I’m not so sure this year.
But I also wonder if it has more to do with me than the actual service. I’m still feeling disconnected towards God and my faith. It’s not that I don’t believe anymore, its that I’m not hearing anything right now. I go to church each week on Sunday morning, but it doesn’t feed me like I’m used to. Sometimes I enjoy the sermons, but that’s more of a product of good preaching than being inspired by the Holy Spirit.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Jesus’ words could also be my cry right now.
I just wish I could open my ears and hear where God is guiding me right now. I’m really stressing about what I’m going to be doing after May. Whether or not I’ll drift away from church for awhile or even for good. I feel disillusioned about the institution of the church right now or at least how I fit into it.