This weekend has been tough. The first weekend since I was told that our marriage was over. The first weekend to face the absence of our normal weekend routines. No more weekend morning trips to Spielman’s for coffee and bagels. New routines will have to be found (they didn’t happen this weekend for sure). Instead I spent it packing up some of her remaining things and putting them in the garage until she moves them\u00a0too. Church was really difficult this morning. With rare exception she had been by my side since I moved back to Portland. The Rector talked about prayer in her sermon. How it is central to everything. How it can be hard to do\u2026but also how it can be hard to receive for some people (including herself). As hard as being there was this morning, I knew it was exactly where I was supposed to be. Surrounded by the prayers of the congregation whether they were for me and this situation or something completely different.<\/p>\n
This is painful. It hurts. I’ve been shaken to my core. Like I mentioned in my last post\u2026I didn’t see this storm coming until it was already surrounding me. One place I went for comfort today was a book from the Irish poet\u00a0John O’Donohue\u00a0To Bless the Space Between Us<\/em>. I’ve used this book of blessings many times over the years. For weddings, for thanksgivings, and for prayer. The last section of the book is “Beyond Endings“<\/em>. He talks in the introduction to the section how endings seem to lie in wait. How we can feel ambushed by them because we are too focused on the present to see the approaching ending. He talks about the contrast between the innocence and joy of how beginnings initially unfold and the soreness and protrusion of endings. Endings can quietly and irreversibly build within something, strengthening its grip on finality during each stage. When I look back on these last two months\u2026I can see these things in greater focus now. Today, I’ve been reflecting and sitting with this blessing:<\/p>\n For the Breakup of a Relationship<\/strong><\/p>\n Now you endeavor When we love, the depth in us Love can seldom end clean; Time becomes strange and slipshod; Unknown to themselves, This is the time to be slow, Try, as best you can, not to let If you remain generous, This weekend has been tough. But I’ve got a community praying for me. I’ve got an army behind me. I’ve been given so much love and strength by friends, family, and strangers over the past few weeks. They’ve given me a place to cry, a place to vent, and a shoulder to hold on to. You are all there to help guide me through this storm and get me to the calm sea.<\/p>\n Thank you more than I could ever say.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This weekend has been tough. The first weekend since I was told that our marriage was over. The first weekend to face the absence of our normal weekend routines. No more weekend morning trips to Spielman’s for coffee and bagels. New routines will have to be found (they didn’t happen this weekend for sure). Instead … <\/p>\n
\nTo gather yourself
\nAnd withdraw in slow
\nAnimal woundedness
\nFrom love turned sour and ungentle.<\/p>\n
\nTrusts itself forward until
\nThe empty space between
\nBecomes gradually woven
\nInto an embrace where longing
\nCan close its weary eyes.<\/p>\n
\nFor all the tissue is torn
\nAnd each lover turned stranger
\nIs dropped into a ruin of distance
\nWhere emptiness is young and fierce.<\/p>\n
\nit mixes memories that felt
\nThe kiss of the eternal
\nWith the blistering hurt of now.<\/p>\n
\nCertain small things
\nTouch nerve-lines to the heart
\nAnd bring back with color and force
\nAll that is utterly lost.<\/p>\n
\nLie low to the wall
\nUntil the bitter weather passes.<\/p>\n
\nThe wire brush of doubt
\nScrape from your heart
\nAll sense of yourself
\nAnd your hesitant light.<\/p>\n
\nTime will come good;
\nAnd you will find your feet
\nAgain on fresh pastures of promise,
\nWhere the air will be kind
\nAnd blushed with beginning.<\/p>\n