One of my friends asked me to ponder the question: “What do you really really really really want?” To think about this absent of financial concerns, absent of the expectations of others. Its a tough question I think, at least it is for me. My first reaction is, “I don’t know what I want anymore.” Which in some ways is also an answer to the question. I want to know what I want.
In my current line of thinking, I want to learn how to make wine. At least try it out. I already know how to make beer, and I could pursue that, but something in me wants to keep that a hobby. My thought was that I could find a job in Santa Rosa, and take some classes at the community college there. However, so far my job search there hasn’t met with much success. So I’ve been expanding the focus of my search. Looking in Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland and Eugene. I’ve found a few things, but I’m still greatly worried about what my life is going to look like in a month. Right now its looking like I’m going to have to figure out something here in Los Angeles, maybe a temp job or something. Of course that means figuring out someplace else here to live.
But my working/living situation isn’t the only area of life that I need to answer the “what do I want” question. My spiritual life has suffered of late. I don’t really feel that connected to it, to God. It’s a struggle some days to remain hopeful in faith. I want to reconnect with that again. I want to hear God’s voice again. Or at least feel God’s presence.
The past week has been spent mainly recuperating from the busyness of the prior week. I’ve been kind of down and disheartened most of the time. I pretty much avoided people all weekend, not really leaving my room much. I skipped church Sunday morning, not because I slept in, but because I knew I had to be at work church that night.
Last night, I watched a movie, The Feast of Love, that was filmed in Portland. Some scenes were filmed just a few blocks from my old apt in Portland. One of my friends apt building was in the movie. It made me miss Portland. To think about my friends. To wish I could visit, even just for one day, so I could be in some place that is so comfortable to me.