Recently in discernment Category

One of my friends asked me to ponder the question: "What do you really really really really want?"  To think about this absent of financial concerns, absent of the expectations of others.  Its a tough question I think, at least it is for me.  My first reaction is, "I don't know what I want anymore."  Which in some ways is also an answer to the question.  I want to know what I want.

In my current line of thinking, I want to learn how to make wine.  At least try it out.  I already know how to make beer, and I could pursue that, but something in me wants to keep that a hobby.  My thought was that I could find a job in Santa Rosa, and take some classes at the community college there.  However, so far my job search there hasn't met with much success.  So I've been expanding the focus of my search.  Looking in Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland and Eugene.  I've found a few things, but I'm still greatly worried about what my life is going to look like in a month.  Right now its looking like I'm going to have to figure out something here in Los Angeles, maybe a temp job or something.  Of course that means figuring out someplace else here to live.

But my working/living situation isn't the only area of life that I need to answer the "what do I want" question.  My spiritual life has suffered of late.  I don't really feel that connected to it, to God.  It's a struggle some days to remain hopeful in faith.  I want to reconnect with that again.  I want to hear God's voice again.  Or at least feel God's presence.

The past week has been spent mainly recuperating from the busyness of the prior week.  I've been kind of down and disheartened most of the time.  I pretty much avoided people all weekend, not really leaving my room much.  I skipped church Sunday morning, not because I slept in, but because I knew I had to be at work church that night.

Last night, I watched a movie, The Feast of Love, that was filmed in Portland.  Some scenes were filmed just a few blocks from my old apt in Portland.  One of my friends apt building was in the movie.  It made me miss Portland.  To think about my friends.  To wish I could visit, even just for one day, so I could be in some place that is so comfortable to me.

"I'm just trying to make some sense.....outta me"

I made my first trip back to Oregon since moving to Los Angeles for Christmas.  It was an interesting experience, having been so homesick for much of my time here in Los Angeles.  I drove up to Eugene with a friend (though in separate cars), stopping in one of my favorite places, Ashland, OR, to break up the drive.  A nice relaxing evening in Ashland was just what was in order after a long day on I-5.  We were lucky going over the Siskiyou Pass, as if we had been another 10-15 minutes later, we'd have needed chains (which neither of us had).  After a late breakfast and a walk around downtown Ashland, we headed North on I-5 to continue our treks to our respective homes.

It was good being at home, seeing my Eugene friends, dancing at 80s night.  There was the typical family drama/stress...but really it was ok (I can say that now with some distance...while I was there, I was ready not visit the folks the next time I went to Oregon).  Really the important thing is that I was able to see my sisters.  I just have this feeling that any time now, we won't all be able to gather as a family for the holidays.

As I look to the new year, I am still trying to settle into life in LA.  I've been here five months now and am just really starting to find my places around here.  My job is much more challenging than I ever thought it would be.  I often feel as if I am over my head.  I've been thinking a lot over the past couple weeks about whether or not I'm really ready to begin the process to go to seminary.  My thoughts are definitely leaning towards that I am not ready.  This of course brings up the question of what do I do in meantime.  Do I go back to school to teach or for law school?   Do I stay in Los Angeles beyond this school year?  These are the questions I'll be trying to answer over the next few months.

That's it for now, one of my goals for the new year is to make at least a weekly post here...so keep checking for updates ;)

I hope everyone has a great New Year!

I realized that this was first thanksgiving I've ever had without spending some time with my family.  It's kinda weird how much its got me down, since holidays at home are always kinda stressful.  It is a weird dynamic, even though they often get on my nerves, I would give pretty much anything to have been home this weekend.

I'm struggling a lot right now.  I'm not adjusting as quickly (or easily) as I thought I would.  I'm not doing my job as well as I thought I would.  I'm doubting if its really the right fit for me.  Which makes me doubt whether or not the vocation I've been journeying towards is really where I should be going.  I miss Portland.  I miss the rain and grey skies.

But yet, I do not doubt that Los Angeles is where I am supposed to be right now.  I can't completely explain it and it often doesn't make a lot of sense to me.  Things aren't all gloom here either.  I've got a couple of old friends that live down here that I get to hang out with once and awhile (though not enough).  I've also got a new close friend that I've met since being here.  I've found a really good church (in Beverly Hills of all places) to be a part of.  These are some of the things I'm thankful for this weekend.  I'm also thankful for my friends in New York, Portland and Eugene...who've listened to my whining over instant messaging chats.

Early tomorrow morning (as in 5.15am) I am heading out to Our Lady of Guadalupe Trappist Abbey for a weekend retreat.  I'm leaving the cell phone, the laptop and the bustle of the city behind.  What I'll be taking with me, a couple books, my moleskine and an open mind and spirit.  It'll be a weekend of silence and discernment.

The books I'll have with me:

• The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton
• Jesus the Son of Man by Kahlil Gibran
• The Essential Rumi translated by Coleman Barks

I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about the weekend when I get back on Sunday!

For my review of Part 1 of The Seven Storey Mountain click here.

Parts 2 & 3 of The Seven Storey Mountain were much more enjoyable for me.  And as a result, I got a lot more out of these sections of the book.  I think in the end I had the expectation of the later Merton who was much more open to non-Catholics.  The harshness of the young Merton (and Father Louis) was a little unsettling for me.

The things that stuck most for me in this section were nuggets of wisdom about discernment and vocation.  Merton's journey from conversion to the monastery was fascinating for me as well.  My reading of this book has been timely for me.  This was of course a purposeful reading on my part.  With the hiatus of my path to seminary it has been a time to rediscover aspects of my faith.  My faith hasn't been something I've questioned, however I have let it coast somewhat recently.  Its time for me to get my hands a little dirty with my spiritual life again.

I'm going to take a weekend retreat at Our Lady of Guadalupe Trappist Abbey next month.  I'm really looking forward to this time to really focus on my faith life.  There are also a few sections of The Seven Storey Mountain that I plan to meditate over the next month or so.  I'll probably post on a few of those later on this blog.

Often when we have a goal in mind we try to take the straightest possible route to that goal.  However often, the straight route isn't always the fastest or best route.  The example given to me this morning was of a sail boat tacking.  Since I haven't done much sailing in my life, I can relate to it more in terms of hiking and climbing mountains.  When trails are built and there is a high grade of elevation gain to overcome, they are often built with switchbacks.  While in terms of distance, the trail becomes longer, it is actually easier on our bodies and often faster then trying to head straight up the side of a mountain.  (Actually come to think of it the principles are the same in sailing at trail building)

At my discernment meeting this morning, the group decided to bring itself to an end.  As a group (me included) it was discerned that now is not the time for me to pursue the priesthood.  It wasn't a no, but a not yet.  I'm incrediably thankful for the members of my discernment group and all of the support they gave me throughout this part of the process.

So what does this all mean for me now?  Honestly, I have no clue.  For the immediate future, I am working up at OHSU as a Performance Analyst (at least that is what they are going to call the official position once they post it).  It's actually a pretty cool job as office jobs go.  When they post the permanant position it'll be only 0.6FTE, however that might not be a bad thing as it would give me the opportunity to explore other things.

What I need to remember now is: (1) Look for the positive things in the developments of the last week. (2) Learn from all the events that have affected my life in the last six months. (3) Pray and the Pray again.  (4) Be thankful for the wonderful friends I have.

It has been an interesting few months for me and my discernment process.  I'm not entirely sure if it has completely broken down or just taken a few steps backwards.  As it is for the moment, my committee is scheduled to meet again on Aug. 18th.  I still have not completed the last "formal" assignment the committee gave me back in May.  However, I am going to work on the essays over the next week and see if I can't get something done for it.

What I'm most trying to figure out right now is what to do in the near term.  I have an interview with a company to teach english in Japan on Aug. 9th.  I'm still trying to decide whether or not I'd take the job if it is offered to me.  On one hand, it'll be an incredible experience.  I'll get to live abroad for a year, work on becoming semi-fluent in another language and eat lots of sushi.   On the other hand, the timeline to head off to seminary will be most definitely postponed.  One of the things that I'm wrestling with however, is whether or not my summer hiccup hasn't already pushed back seminary until at least 2008.  If I do end up accepting a position in Japan, I will probably move my stuff down to Eugene and do some temp work there until I leave in order to save as much money as possible.

If I do end up deciding to stick to the current course of action and stay in Portland there are things I must decide here as well.  Things with my roommate have still not recovered to a point where I'd like them to be.  I've made an effort to move on from the anger and hurt I felt from his actions of a couple months ago.  For the most part that has made things a lot better.  However, every once in awhile, I really get a little down because he doesn't really make any effort to include/invite me in/to things even though I have.  So I'll need to decide whether or not I need to find a new place to live.  It just sucks sometimes feeling so alone in a place, even though you have a roommate...and feeling alone even if he's there.

So that's where things are at for the moment.  I'm not sure if I'll post again until after the discernment committee gathering on the 18th. 

One of the things about blogging is that it can sometimes get you in trouble.  Recently this has been in the news again with the firing of the writer of petiteanglaise.com [Read the CNN Article].  This phenomena has even made it into internet slang as being "dooced" named from the website of one of the first publicized instances of this happening [dooce.com]

So what does this mean for this blog?  Well for starters it makes me consider the things I post about (at least publicly).  While this blog isn't widely publicized, it wouldn't be that hard for someone to find it if they wanted to.  So there have been a few things that I've wanted to write about, however have refrained from posting them, because I'm not sure how someone down the road will read into them.  Eventually, I hope to be able to protect some entries, allowing known people to access them (through a login and password).  However the plugin for the blogging software I'm currently using does not quite have the functions I want yet.  A pending version looks to be more of what I'm looking for.  Until then, some of my entries will remain unpublished.

My process has gone into a bit of a self-imposed hiatus. While I have managed to pick up a temporary job that will allow me to have the money to cover August's rent, my financial situation is still tenuious at best. Its a little frustrating to me, as I was finally making some progress on my path to seminary. While I haven't had a lot of time to concentrate on this process in the past month or so, I have been doing a little work on it as well. I recently re-read Bill Countryman's book Living on the Border of the Holy: Renewing the Priesthood of All. Once I get a little more settled with my current job situation, I'll probably re-read it again, as there was definitely more that I wanted to delve into with that book. Especially in regards to my call towards an ordained ministry. I really like the idea though, that we are all priests in the church and that the "ordained" priesthood is just a sacramental priesthood and that we shouldn't view the ordained/laiety groups as opposites.