April 2008 Archives

Ahh...a little late with the weekly post yet again.

Last weekend, I went on the spring retreat with the Faith Activism Collective.  It was really nice getting out of the city and going to this rustic camp setting.  The retreat involved an approx. 4.5 mile hike into Sturtevant Camp in the Big Santa Anita Canyon.  Sturtevant camp is a hold over from the glory days of the hiking resorts in the San Gabriel Mountains (which were popular in the 1900's to about the first world war).  So basically most modern technology was left behind (though the camp did have such amenities as electricity and heated cabins).  There were just under 20 of us there for the weekend.  It was a great time for me to relax, and be in a place where I didn't feel so weird about my doubts about the church.  Each night ended with some acoustic karaoke/sing alongs.  Popular where 80s hits like Hungry Like a Wolf, Here I Go Again, Livin On a Prayer, Like A Prayer...and a rendition of Young MC's Bust a Move with yours truly rapping.  Oh dear.

It seems I've got a part-time gig as a barista to fall back upon when my job is essentially over next week.  I'll need something else to survive financially...but its a start right?

I had a great weekend away from the city in nature. More about that tomorrow.

I have of late been in a pretty crappy mood.  I've been depressed and snappy and generally not too fun to be around.  Thankfully, I think last night helped me take a step away from this lame moodiness.  Last night was the monthly gathering of the "cuddle call" group.  I was in charge of planning the festivities and thought it would be nice to have a bonfire on the beach.  It was great just to be with such a great group of friends that are just so loving and accepting.  I'm so lucky to have found (or been found by) this group of people.

On the job search front...I'm leaning more towards staying in Los Angeles.  Which means probably getting some sort of a temp job at least initially.  I'll also be looking for a new place to live, preferably for a little less rent than I'm paying now (so under $800/month).  I think I'm going to take the morning off on Thursday and spend some time researching and applying to local temp agencies.

I'm going on a retreat this weekend, we have to hike into the campsite.  I'm pretty stoked to get out of the city and be in nature for the weekend. 

One of my friends asked me to ponder the question: "What do you really really really really want?"  To think about this absent of financial concerns, absent of the expectations of others.  Its a tough question I think, at least it is for me.  My first reaction is, "I don't know what I want anymore."  Which in some ways is also an answer to the question.  I want to know what I want.

In my current line of thinking, I want to learn how to make wine.  At least try it out.  I already know how to make beer, and I could pursue that, but something in me wants to keep that a hobby.  My thought was that I could find a job in Santa Rosa, and take some classes at the community college there.  However, so far my job search there hasn't met with much success.  So I've been expanding the focus of my search.  Looking in Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland and Eugene.  I've found a few things, but I'm still greatly worried about what my life is going to look like in a month.  Right now its looking like I'm going to have to figure out something here in Los Angeles, maybe a temp job or something.  Of course that means figuring out someplace else here to live.

But my working/living situation isn't the only area of life that I need to answer the "what do I want" question.  My spiritual life has suffered of late.  I don't really feel that connected to it, to God.  It's a struggle some days to remain hopeful in faith.  I want to reconnect with that again.  I want to hear God's voice again.  Or at least feel God's presence.

The past week has been spent mainly recuperating from the busyness of the prior week.  I've been kind of down and disheartened most of the time.  I pretty much avoided people all weekend, not really leaving my room much.  I skipped church Sunday morning, not because I slept in, but because I knew I had to be at work church that night.

Last night, I watched a movie, The Feast of Love, that was filmed in Portland.  Some scenes were filmed just a few blocks from my old apt in Portland.  One of my friends apt building was in the movie.  It made me miss Portland.  To think about my friends.  To wish I could visit, even just for one day, so I could be in some place that is so comfortable to me.

"I'm just trying to make some sense.....outta me"

Ray Lamontagne - Empty (from BBC Four Session)

I'm not having much luck in my first choice of "things to do after I'm done at Canterbury."    The craigslist job board for Santa Rosa isn't providing many opportunities to apply for jobs.  So I'm left with also figuring out what Plan B really is.  Do I stay in Los Angeles, which often sucks away my will, and is so expensive, just because its the easiest option.  Do I look to move back to Oregon, even though I have no idea on how I'd pay to move my stuff back up there?  Is there some other place I should think about going?

Really, like Ray sings above, the whole process has left me feeling kind of empty.  Change is coming and I need to work on making sure its good.  As one of my friends pointed out last weekend in Salt Lake...I sure thought I'd have more things figured out by the time I was this age than I do.

For work I traveled to Salt Lake City over the weekend for the annual gathering of college students in Province VIII (basically the west coast states + one state in).  I was traveling with 5 students and my boss.  While waiting for our flight to begin boarding, I noticed what would be my second celebrity (albeit B/C-list) siting since moving to Los Angeles.


Yes, Ron Jeremy was on our flight to Salt Lake City of all places. (Yeah, I know it may be hard to tell in this picture, but the short guy with long greasy hair is Ron Jeremy.) Later, I found out from one of the weeklys, that he was there to debate porn critic Michael Leahy at the local community college.

The rest of the weekend was pretty good, though a little bittersweet as well.  The conference went pretty well, no major glitches.  It was good to see my friends from throughout the province.  But it was a little bittersweet, because it may have been my last gathering as well.  After being involved with the gatherings for eleven years now, it may be time to take a break from this.  I've been going back and forth on this, at one point in the weekend I was totally ready to continue on.  But an interaction Saturday night pushed me back on the side of retiring from this ministry.

Nothing new to report on the job search.  There hasn't been much interesting on Craigslist in Santa Rosa.  I'm starting to consider looking a little harder in Los Angeles as there are a few compelling reasons to stick around as well.  I'm trying to have hope that things will work out, but the end the month is coming quickly and its really freaking me out.