August 2006 Archives

As of late, I have been obsessed with the novels of Haruki Murakami.  So far I've read five of his novels, plus a collection of short stories.  The latest was Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World.  As with every one of his novels so far, I wasn't disappointed at all.  This one has a bit of a sci-fi bent to it, however I wouldn't classify this as a sci-fi novel.  I hesitate to go to much into the details of the book, as I think its best to discover Murakami on one's own.  One of the things that amazes me about Murakami's work, is that each novel is wonderful and amazing in its own special way.  While there are definately themes that are constant throughout, they at least feel like they are being used in a different way.

A few of the things I like about Murakami are: music plays a big part in the lives of his characters.  his novels are full of love, spirituality and encourages us to seek out the connections with others.  There is room for the reader inside his stories.  It is both simple and complex at the same time.  Often it feels like a dream, that you could just get lost in for all eternity.  And sometimes, you do.

ten years ago, i wrote a poem about turning twenty.  here is my response to that poem as i've turned thirty:

I discovered the one deep breath community a few weeks ago.  Every week they post a new "prompt" for haiku's.  This week's prompt is the "faces of humanity."  I hope you enjoy my contributions (and check out those of other participants on the one deep breath page.)

the hangover (a haiku)

you touch me subtle
reminding me with brushes
of night, touch, smell...you

the way you dream (a haiku)

picture your body
held together embracing
awakened slumber

love lost (a haiku)

pierced by the sight of
you in conversation with
some other summer

heat wave (a haiku)

sun burnt sweat blooms on
freckeled sheets desiring
lovers calming touch

Today is the last day of my 20's.  I'm looking forward to my 30's.  I'm full of anticipation for the next decade of my life.  As I think back on my 20's, there are a lot of things I thought I'd have figured out by now.  But in the end, I'm ok with not knowing those things.  Life has a funny way of sorting things out on its own.  Things come in due time.  Since I seem to be more willing to share some of my poetry these days, here is a poem I wrote at the beginning of the decade.  In that spirit, I plan to try to write a poem in the next day or so to celebrate the beginning of this new decade of my life.

"In a sense, this terrible situation is the pattern and prototype of all sin: the deliberate and formal will to reject disinterested love for us for the purely arbitrary reason that we simply do not want it.  We will to seperate ourselves from that love.  We reject it entirely and absolutely, and will not acknowledge it, simply because it does not please us to be loved.  Perhaps the inner motive is that the fact of being loved disinterestly reminds us that we all need love from others, and depend upon the charity of others to carry on our own lives.  And we refuse love, and reject society, in so far as it seems, in our own perverse imagination, to imply some obscure kind of humiliation."

--Thomas Merton "The Seven Story Mountain"

It is an interesting idea that sin is really just a rejection of love.  To be honest, I had to go to the dictionary to make sense of the term "disinterested love."  My first thought when reading this paragraph was "how can you love something disinterestly?"  What the dictionary reminded me was disinterest is not the lack of interest, but the lack of self-interest.

I think that this is one of the most powerful aspects of the character of Jesus.  His complete disinterested love for the whole world.  It is an ideal that is simply amazing in scope.  Just a fraction of this type of love would make such a difference in this world.

Often when we have a goal in mind we try to take the straightest possible route to that goal.  However often, the straight route isn't always the fastest or best route.  The example given to me this morning was of a sail boat tacking.  Since I haven't done much sailing in my life, I can relate to it more in terms of hiking and climbing mountains.  When trails are built and there is a high grade of elevation gain to overcome, they are often built with switchbacks.  While in terms of distance, the trail becomes longer, it is actually easier on our bodies and often faster then trying to head straight up the side of a mountain.  (Actually come to think of it the principles are the same in sailing at trail building)

At my discernment meeting this morning, the group decided to bring itself to an end.  As a group (me included) it was discerned that now is not the time for me to pursue the priesthood.  It wasn't a no, but a not yet.  I'm incrediably thankful for the members of my discernment group and all of the support they gave me throughout this part of the process.

So what does this all mean for me now?  Honestly, I have no clue.  For the immediate future, I am working up at OHSU as a Performance Analyst (at least that is what they are going to call the official position once they post it).  It's actually a pretty cool job as office jobs go.  When they post the permanant position it'll be only 0.6FTE, however that might not be a bad thing as it would give me the opportunity to explore other things.

What I need to remember now is: (1) Look for the positive things in the developments of the last week. (2) Learn from all the events that have affected my life in the last six months. (3) Pray and the Pray again.  (4) Be thankful for the wonderful friends I have.

I went to the crossroad
      fell down on my knees
I went to the crossroad
     fell down on my knees
Asked the Lord above "Have mercy, now
     save poor Bob, if you please."
Mmmmm, standin' at the crossroad
     I tried to flag a ride
Standin' at the crossroad
     I tried to flag a ride
Didn't nobody seem to know me, babe
     everybody pass me by
Mmm, the sun goin' down, boy
     dark gon' catch me here
oooo ooee eeee
     boy, dark gon' catch me here
I haven't got no lovin' sweet woman that
     love and feel my care
You can run, you can run
     tell my friend-boy Willie Brown
You can run
     tell my friend-boy Willie Brown
Lord, that I'm standin' at the crossroad, babe
     I believe I'm sinkin' down

-- Robert Johnson "Cross Road Blues (Take 2)" 

I am standing right at the crossroad right now.  I need to fall down on my knees and ask the Lord, "Where oh where do I go now?"  I feel lost, and I'm not sure how to find my way home.  The paths that I know are in front of me are, the road to seminary and teaching English in Japan for at least a year.  Other than that, its an unknown path.  My ever precarious finances may make the Japan option a little more difficult.  I'll need to have about $2000 set aside to cover airfare and expenses when I first get over there.  Which is of course about $2000 more than I have set aside in savings at the moment.  The road to seminary feels like its a little impassable for the moment.  Leaving just the unknown.

I honestly don't know what I am going to do, if not on the path towards seminary.  The Japan option would just be a short detour on that path more than anything else.  If I do deviate from the seminary path, then where do I go, what do I do?  Do I stay in Portland?

Right now, all I can do is fall down on my knees and listen for that still small voice.

From the Book of Common Prayer:

As a priest, it will be your task to proclaim by word and deed the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and to fashion your life in accordance with its precepts.  You are to love and serve the people among whom you work, caring alike for young and old, strong and weak, rich and poor.  You are to preach, to declare God's forgiveness to penitent sinners, to pronounce God's blessing, to share in the administration of Holy Baptism and in the celebration of the mysteries of Christ's Body and Blood, and to perform the other ministrations entrusted to you.

In all that you do, you are to nourish Christ's people from the riches of his grace, and strengthen them to glorify God in this life and in the life to come.

---

Will you respect and be guided by the pastoral direction and leadership of your bishop?

Will you be diligent in the reading and study of the Holy Scriptures, and in seeking the knowledge of such things as may make you a stronger and more able minister of Christ?

Will you endeavor so to minister the Word of God and the sacraments of the New Covenant, that the reconciling love of Christ may be known and received?

Will you undertake to be a faithful pastor to all whom you are called to serve, laboring together with them and with your fellow ministers to build up the family of God?

Will you do your best to pattern your life [and that of your family, household, or community] in accodance with the teachings of Christ, so that you may be a wholesome example to your people?

Will you persevere in prayer, both in public and in private, asking God's grace, both for yourself and for others, offering all your labors to God, through the mediation of Jesus Christ, and in the sanctification of the Holy Spirit? 

It has been an interesting few months for me and my discernment process.  I'm not entirely sure if it has completely broken down or just taken a few steps backwards.  As it is for the moment, my committee is scheduled to meet again on Aug. 18th.  I still have not completed the last "formal" assignment the committee gave me back in May.  However, I am going to work on the essays over the next week and see if I can't get something done for it.

What I'm most trying to figure out right now is what to do in the near term.  I have an interview with a company to teach english in Japan on Aug. 9th.  I'm still trying to decide whether or not I'd take the job if it is offered to me.  On one hand, it'll be an incredible experience.  I'll get to live abroad for a year, work on becoming semi-fluent in another language and eat lots of sushi.   On the other hand, the timeline to head off to seminary will be most definitely postponed.  One of the things that I'm wrestling with however, is whether or not my summer hiccup hasn't already pushed back seminary until at least 2008.  If I do end up accepting a position in Japan, I will probably move my stuff down to Eugene and do some temp work there until I leave in order to save as much money as possible.

If I do end up deciding to stick to the current course of action and stay in Portland there are things I must decide here as well.  Things with my roommate have still not recovered to a point where I'd like them to be.  I've made an effort to move on from the anger and hurt I felt from his actions of a couple months ago.  For the most part that has made things a lot better.  However, every once in awhile, I really get a little down because he doesn't really make any effort to include/invite me in/to things even though I have.  So I'll need to decide whether or not I need to find a new place to live.  It just sucks sometimes feeling so alone in a place, even though you have a roommate...and feeling alone even if he's there.

So that's where things are at for the moment.  I'm not sure if I'll post again until after the discernment committee gathering on the 18th.